Humpty Dumpty

Approach, thou young traveler of the lands far beyond our reach, and hear the tale of the obscene tragedy that happened by light of a moonbeam. One treacherous eveningtide, in the gloom of the witching hour, a fair lady had walked from hither to thither with no real intention.

Ere she reached her unknown destination, a voice called out from the ground, “Lady, flower of all thing, thou art the fairest of fair. I hath known your voice since the days of my youth and have e’er longed to look upon the face of such a beauty. Pray, if thy face would lent mine eyes a moment to delight in its beauty, I will never leave thy sight. Mark this, love of mine, if thou shall scorn me when I woo, I will depart from thy sight, never to return.”

“Thou beslubbering barren-spirited dullard!” the fairest of ladies screeched in return, “From what land would thee have come to propose a courtship, when thou cannot even get off the ground. Sirrah, thou art a villain!” The woman knelt down to gaze upon her mysterious attacker, and saw that he was barefaced. “An egg? Spare me thy speech.”

The egg suddenly refused to contain his savagery. “Anon, thou calumniating, dizzy-eyed, coxcomb, leave me in peace. I shall find nothing fit for life in the barren plain of your conceited heart.” With that, the tranquil egg, broken already in soul, climbed to the peak of a wall of brick and ivy. A noiseless vault over the edge, made his body equal to his spirit. The knights and men of the king looked on in amazement at the bloodstained geck, but alas, could do nothing to return him to his state of completion.