Hue My Shade

“Yes, what is it?”

I turn toward you.

What is it?

What is it about you?

What is it about you that breaks and fills my heart all in one setting?

Is it?

Is it the one?

Is it that one moment where you broke all my conception of reality; And in that moment, the world turned, into a beautiful vibrant hue that I had missed under the shade?

You once saw the same hue;

but I had missed,

I had missed the chance,

I had missed my chance to be with you.

You.

You,

You so long,

So long alone,

So long alone has left your heart a ruthless stone.

You, who are the redefinition of a misconception that has been written on my heart.

The history,

The history of my childhood,

The history of my childhood friend who sexually assaulted me.

Me,

Me,

Will you seek me?

You don’t understand me.

You don’t hear me.

The wall?

The wall that stands,

The wall that stands that’s made of stone between you and me.

Let it be. Be without me.

Supposedly good poetry explains itself.

However, if I am publishing this on the internet, I felt that I had to have somewhat of an explanation. This poem I wrote back in 2017 when I finally decided to go to counseling in college after an assault in middle school by one of my guy "friends". I read it now, and it shows me how much healing I was really able to receive. I am SO grateful for counseling, and to have record of how numb and confused I was about so much.

I realized I needed counseling when I was being a complete b*tch (my choice of words) to some of my actual friends because they were dudes, so I felt an undercurrent of threat and fear. You can imagine also made dating confusing and difficult.

There was one dude in particular I was really confused about until I started going to counseling. I then realized that I actually really liked him, and it was the first time in a LONG time where I had strong emotions and wasn't just numb and confused. It was amazing to tune into good emotions, to FEEL, not be confused; not shut everything off.

He was one of the few dudes at the time who took me on a date that respected my no, and made me feel safe. I asked him back out a year and a half into counseling to be turned down and told that that "ship had sailed". It was okay and safe for the first time to tune into the negative emotions as well. Many of his friends speculated that it was pride that caused him to say no; I had really hurt his feelings the first go 'round... Which of course, really wasn't helpful for me to hear.

I processed a lot of what I was feeling alone, because I really wanted to respect his no too. I was really disappointed and wrote this poem and kept it to myself for a long time. We have our own separate paths at this point, but I was grateful for the healing when it happened, and that he was a friend able to help. I was grateful for the emotions, even the negative ones.

Being married now, I couldn't be happier with how everything turned out, and am seriously SO grateful for counseling.

So if you have any kind of trauma, I would highly recommend seeking counseling. YOU are strong, and I hope that you will be grateful for it in the long run as I was.