A few years ago, I did something that had you asked when I was young if I was capable of doing that, I would have argued that no, I was not
But, hindsight is both a wonderful and terrible thing. it's a reminder that even if we are sure of ourselves and the people we believe we are, that we are often wrong.
Capable though I was of sticking to the promies...the solemn oaths I made, my desire, my fear, my lack of control, my ego got the better of me
Despite the warnings, despite the knowledge that what I was about to do could cause untold pain and suffering, I continued.
Egged on by a sense of entitlement...a search for self-worth and validation, of a quick fix without considering the consequences.
Feverishly giving up on my promises as quickly as I maade them, for a little bit of skirt, for a little compliment, for a tug and a release
Gratuitous with no sense of common decency or goodness. the kindness I once held as a mantle, broken and shattered to reach for something that wasn't mine
Honesty forgotten, haste forgoed, heated intoxication welcomed
Initiated the slaughter of trust, instigated the destruction of my most precious bond in life
Just for kicks
Kicks of pleasure, devoid of real meaning, devoid of real substance
licking my wounds with acid spittle, instead of the warm balm-like saliva of my best friend
Momentary bliss, without substance
Necessitating my own downfall, giving in to my noxious tendencies
Opening my own heart to hurt while opening the heart entrusted to me to hurt and pain
Petite mort that almost led to grande mort of my life
Questioning my loyalty
Reprehensible, though repentant
Salvation may be possible,
Time cannot be retried, though
Upheaval cannot be easily forgotten
Vices cannot be easily given up
Washing doesn't remove the stink of betrayal
Years and years it may take but
Zeal is what I have for what I lost, to regain it.
About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Scottish-Italian poet/writer from Glasgow.
Overflowing in English language torture and word abuse.
"Every man has a sane spot somewhere" R.L Stevenson
The Accidental Poet - Poetry Collection is now available!
https://paulspoeticprints.etsy.com
Comments (9)
I felt your heartbeat and pain and shame spread all over the screen. The remorse and the hope. Beautifully, tragically written. I hope the present and future hold healing :)
A splash of regret and a hint of redemption. 🙌🏻 Thanks for sharing this. Loved it! ✨️
Quite the journey through your inward & outward struggles, Paul. Thank you for sharing this with us.
This made me remember your I Kicked A Girl story. I wonder if that's what you referenced here. Loved your prose!
You are redeemed, though...forgiving ourselves is the hardest step
🖤
Great work as always 🤗
Sounds like something I often try to avoid but seldom do. Great story/poem.
You slipped back into poetry there!