Her

HER… August 20, 2019

I truly never thought I would live this long let alone have my little family who loves me. So many years in this wasteland of a planet with an unknown song, an unknown purpose, unknown direction simply left to wander around aimlessly like so many others.

They have propped me up so I can be heard clearly…Blood by no means is thicker than water however in my case it is more useful than blood – it replenishes, builds you up, makes you feel better instead of draining you for every single thing you have all of your mental health and energy!

My “blood” my “family” hurt me, they broke me and shattered my spirit every…single…day. It has taken me an exceedingly long time to reach where I am. I am standing taller now than I ever have before it seems. Things are coming together.

My confidence has come back with a vengeance. I seek no retaliation I mean no ill will I pray for them every night. I simply do not want them in my life. My life is balanced and happy right now. I intend to keep it that way; by any means necessary!

I miss my mother; she was the glue that held our sadistic, cult like, dysfunctional brood together – she died – as did we all. The day I lost you I lost a huge piece of myself when they buried you I just wanted to lay on top of you and let them bury me too. I have yet to fill this void, this emptiness that lives inside me is always there the moments it gets to quiet or I am sober – I feel as if I’m going to go insane; the memories, your laughter, even the horrific things you used to do to me.

I will love you until eternity.

I wipe away her tears and numb her darkened mind. The same shattered girl in a whole new fight. I do my best to fill my “present” role with age old wounds still bleeding, never given the chance to take control, or make decisions and if I was allowed to nobody would have listened. Feeling weak and defeated when the thoughts and memories run through me like electricity through my spine feeling as if my heart could stop beating any minute.

All of her torment tears sorrow and silent screams. It’s easier alone in the eternal darkness Enraptured by the abundance of peace and solidarity with the naive thought that perhaps I can grieve and possibly find relief.

Tahnee Cole