Grieving in Peaches Form

Warning: Mentions of suicide.

Soft yellow flesh

Sweet summer dreams

Peachy North Carolina heat

*

I thought about you today

-

While slicing up oozing peach halves

To refrigerate for my teething son

-

You liked his pictures

Two-week-old him

Donning baby blues

Sleepy newborn delirium

In his infant car seat

-

Somewhere along there you decided your end

-

Near February’s end

I held my son a little tighter in my arms

Only one month old

I sobbed on video chat as my mother cried

“I don’t think he did it”

-

I’ll never forget wondering about your father’s post earlier that day

-

B answer your phone

-

Where did we fail?

Where did we go wrong?

-

Grandma used to cart us around in her purple Camry

Summers full of farmers’ market peach baskets

*

Pinky yellow fuzzy skin

Sticky trail of saccharine

Our childhood memories

*

I dreamt about you a lot

-

It was always me

Me screaming at the sky

asking “why?”

-

I wished a lot of things

We all wondered

-

Dark US Airforce planes from takeoff and touch down

My mom and I thought of you

From Milwaukee to Charlotte

I cried holding my baby in my arms

Sleeping to the rumble of the plane

Back in the North Carolina humid heat

Maybe I could finally grieve properly

-

“I’m still trying to figure out why the fuck B killed himself”

My uncle, your father, quenched our denial

I sat there at G’s kitchen table

Fallen silent at the new information learned

My family passed my son around

Almost six months old

Awake, alert, smiling with dimpled gums

-

I wish you could have seen him

I wish I could have seen you in person one last time

-

Now grandma’s arms are thinner

Loose skin and lost teeth

Grandpa’s been gone for a long time too

Maybe you’ve seen him up there

Your little brother was missing from the scene

Even though we said we needed to get together more as a family

-

Somewhere along back in the Midwest

I had another dream of you

Me screaming at the sky

Declaring my acceptance of your passing

*

Squishy smooth supple fruit

Hard bumpy pit all removed

The end of our memories

*

But I’ll never forget you.

Note: I wrote parts of this poem months ago before finalizing and sat on it for a while. At first, I debated whether to post it or not, but something urged me to post it when I did. I had a heavy heart, the sadness I felt for different reasons, personal to my own, but it was time to post it. I didn't realize it was World Suicide Prevention Day when I did.

If you're struggling mentally and feel hopeless please reach out to someone. To a family member, or friend, or even the new 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.