the waiting game

Note: I just wanted to put together a "poem" of how I’ve been feeling lately. Warning: Some mentions in this poem may be triggering, such as child loss.

01/12/21

Today is your due date

Today is when the milk expires

And when the bread goes "bad"

-

I am betwixt and between excitement and depression

Forced to wait patiently for your arrival

At 31 weeks you teased me dear little one

To have one of the scariest experiences in my life

The first time I ever went to the hospital

So many emotions mixed with fear and confusion

Then I was convinced you would arrive into this world early

*

Every day it becomes more painful because I yearn for you

But as each day passes, I feel myself becoming more numb

Today is 40 weeks and I blankly feel like an incubator

While I also worry about the state of your wellbeing

as it’s slowly becoming unsafe for you to be inside me

You are full term now after cooking a little longer

-

But if you don’t come today, then when will you?

If you don’t come tomorrow, then maybe the next day?

If you don’t come the day after tomorrow, then will you that next day?

*

I feel you move inside me and sometimes I worry

because your movements feel like a struggle

Like the reason I’m not progressing

is because you have a cord wrapped around your neck

And I’m scared labor will never happen to me naturally

that I will have to be induced or have a c-section

Not that it makes me less than a mother

It’s just not what I thought or envisioned

-

My doctor told me that in a week if you don’t appear

then we’ll consider the options

and I cried out of frustration when she left the exam room

Because it’s not fair, no it’s never fair

*

They tell me to “be patient”

after telling me you would be here soon

Sending me in a spiral of panic

I lost my mucous plug five weeks ago

I suffered nausea and all the symptoms

Of impending labor after weeks of painful contractions

But even still it was not anything concrete

The closer to today, the less symptoms I experienced

-

I’m still waiting on the bloody show

Or the breaking of my bag of waters

*

They told me, “well at least he’s still alive, be joyful”

As if I’m not entitled to experience my own whirlwind of emotions

Let me revel in the chaos of my misery

Instead of telling me what I should feel like

Just please, let me be

I’ve gone through much of my pregnancy trying to numb the pain I felt

Physically and emotionally

-

I’m just tired

My body hurts

At night I suffer contractions that disappear by the morning light

And my little one fights against my hardening uterus

*

Pregnancy is just a waiting game

Nine months of sacrifice to protect a being

One you grow so close to and love despite having never met

Not knowing when you’ll ever even meet

-

Some people are lucky and meet their little one early

Then some people are like me and have to wait a little longer

Knowing that waiting itself is torture because I’m so familiar with it

*

Please know that I am terrified of losing you dear little one

You were there when your father and I got married

After only just being discovered two weeks before

And the remaining eight months so much has happened

The holidays came and went

Other women had their babies before me

And I’m just left wondering when is it my turn…

-

Pregnancy, like the whole premise of life

is just a waiting game

So please take your turn little one

I’m begging you, it’s time.