Grief Is Fucking Stupid.

It doesn't make any sense, not even to the people who have been through it.

I don't feel like eating even if I should. Food has no taste, there is no desire.

So I'll drink some water, shove a zebra cake into my mouth, and lay back down on the couch.

I'll try to call him again because I just want to hear his voice.

No answer, no voicemail. I'm disappointed so I put my phone down.

Grief is fucking stupid, I roll over falling asleep for the second time.

My muscles ache and feel too heavy when I move onto my back.

I need to eat because my stomach is screaming at me now.

My best friend is panic texting me, I haven't answered him in hours. Are you really okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I swear that I'm alright. Not really but it's going to be okay.

I just wish someone could be real with me.

I'm tried of the condolences and sympathy, don't fucking hug me again.

Can we talk about how scared she was to almost the end?

I want to converse about death and how scary it is. No, not dying, I'm not afraid of how.

Let's talk about what happens after.

How about how I've seen them in dream. My sister too, I got to hug her and we all sat together.

But nobody can be this real with me, they get tense and awkward when I speak so openly.

I can feel walls closing in around me and I can't breathe like normal.

So I reach for my phone, open our messages and click the little call icon. You don't answer and I cry.

My best friend answers next. He talks me through it and is the most real with me.

He goes on about space until I no longer need to be talked down.

My husband scratches my head and tries to entice me with boba tea.

Grief makes no sense by any means and the worst is yet to come.