Give Me a Sky burial

My bones ache...

I remember writing this in flouncy poems about men that had left me,

That my very bones ached for them,

Now my bones just ache all the time,

Sitting in my childhood room

I’m scared to leave as I feel hopeless and helpless,

Silent tears making streams to my scar ridden breasts that tried to kill me,

Joining the pool of sweat,

I reside in,

Hot flushes daily,

Ankles to brain like an embarrassed child,

I am embarrassed,

I feel stripped of my femininity,

Something I’d only just embraced,

My bosoms hurts,

I don’t want to touched,

Or seen,

My skin is pimpled and scarred,

Water retention covers my “carcass”,

I feel like just that like all the juicy parts have been ripped off,

I feel ugly,

My thinning hair undone, so short, why bother?

Am I depressed, yes...

The cancer took nothing as such,

Yet treatment is gruelling,

I’m tired,

I’m fat,

I pick at my vegan meal,

Appetite lost,

Weight added,

My right leg looks like a map of veins,

I’m feel sick, nauseous,

I can’t,

I can’t put my shoes on,

I collapse from exhaustion regularly,

Yet night insomnia eats at my brain,

Doctors say I’m cancer free,

If I’m perfectly honest if this is “it”

Life feels like a cancer,

I try so hard to have a “PMA”,

But I’m positively broken,

But I sometimes I feel like a pressure cooker,

I feel so much guilt for my lack of grace,

I mean I’m grateful to be alive,

I just hadn’t imagined it would be so challenging,

Will this too pass?

My bones,

Bloody bones,

Give me a sky burial,

I feel like the vultures descended so long ago,

Might as well finish what was started....