Gibbous Moon Eyes

She comes to me behind printed rice screens

Bamboo and symbols I can’t quite read

Her long black hair shimmering silver every night

Hooded blue-gray eyes smile secrets and whisper

“come closer”

“come closer”

She walks me through gardens

Forests and plants and flowers and vines and grass that morph and blur and spin and erupt into my childhood living room

Fingertips trailing from leaf to leaf

The purples, pinks, and greens

A frantic buzzing sounds in my ears

She gasps and points to my favorite plant

“the princess”

“the princess”

Her eyes drifting closed,

She sways on her feet

The buzzing erupts in front of my eyes with silver wings and bright red sparks

I wave and shoo and spit and blow and scream

This thing buzzes away

buzz

buzz

zzzzzzulbzzzzz

aazzzzzzzzzhahzzzzzzz

I wait and he flies into my eyes

My hands splayed to the sky above me

I jolt awake in bed

Hearing the back door open and close

The darkness of the room covers me in shadows

The ceiling fan softly swirling, swooshing, swaying

The buzzing starts at the base of my mind

My neck creaking and snapping,

a sharp pang erupting at the back of my skull

He’s with me,

Drifting from side to side above my eyes

I try to move my arms but the shadows are a blackened mist

A mist so thick

My lungs constrict

I try to scream

The buzzing swoops down toward my mouth

I wake up again

Sputtering, spitting, coughing, sitting up in bed

I reach for the light and clutch the blankets to my chest

Where are my clothes

The light is too bright

And then,

She’s here

Her silky, straight, silvery, hair splayed across my legs

Her blue-gray eyes are gibbous moons

Glowing full, dark craters where her pupils should be

She smiles and touches my lips

A soft song escaping her fingertips

“know she will be loved”

“know she is loved,

after all,

you’re here and so is she,

she’s here,

even when you can’t see.

you are here,

but you are there.

you are everywhere she wants you to be.”

A soft song escaping her fingertips

Simmering through my cheeks

Burning my lips a pinker pink

Sprouting stars in my eyes,

A shade of pink I’ve never seen

A shade so new

I know it’s all for you

You are the pinkest pink,

But you’re soft and you’re blue-grey and you’re green and you’re new

You call to me and I hear you

“Mommy,

Mommy.

Look, Mommy!”

I hear your feet chasing me down the halls

A smile in my sleep

A cold gasping breath as the buzzing bursts through my chest

The halls are dark and empty

Gray

Black

Shadowy pain

A room filled with frilly pink curtains,

A shaggy pink rug,

A summery gray crib and an unused swing

Empty arms

Empty halls

Empty beds

Empty clothes

Cold blankets with tags still on

Diapers unopened and clean

A lock of hair in a pink ribbon

Clay impressions of fingers and toes

She visits me in my sleep

Her eyes tell me you’re okay

Your voice breaks free

A voice I never hear

only imagine

“Hi Mommy”

A soft smile

“Hi Baby”

A hopeless cry

This buzzing thing rips me from my dreams

I fall into the well

Repeating

I wake in bed

I wake attacked

I wake unmoving

I wake staring

I wake home alone

I wake to empty rooms

I wake

and nothing

I wake and relax

“It was just a dream,

just a dream.”

Sharp buzzing pain in my ribs

“She isn’t coming back.”

Falling,

Falling,

Falling,

Darkness swallows and I see my arms turned to bricks

My feet turned to mud and roots and bugs

I fell into this well last November

Unmoving,

Unbreathing

Unable to

Where am I going?

And where can I go?

I am the well.

Swallowing myself whole.

She visits me at night,

A shimmering silver rope dropped in

She waits for me to grab hold

She’s waiting still