We were never friends; we were enemies forced to become acquainted. I knew it was too good to be true when the specialist said we had to come to an understanding, a symbolic place of acceptance, to live as one. I desperately wanted to conquer you, in fact, I wanted to eradicate you, smother every last bit of you. Friends with the fiend that not only once, yet repeatedly, has stolen from my daily life? I wanted to believe I could be mindful in a graceful way, stop competing with you, learn something profound from you; damn I feel foolish. I saw you sneaking back into my world; I would not allow myself to succumb to your brutal way of showing me some kind of lesson, spiritual growth, whatever they said to name your game. I ignored all the red flags, pushed pass you, denied you existed to everyone. Look at me now; you tawdry show off! We were neck and neck in this ridiculous race for several months, I admit you caught up with me and now we are in a vicious stand off, FRIEND! You are so selfish, wanting all of me for yourself, overtaking potentially truly good people away... again. You run them away, leaving me bowing to you once more. You are to be a challenge, not my problem; screw all of the work I have done to convince myself I could cope, I could blend in with your dominance. Oh, Pain. You have me cornered, I can sense where this is going; I lay here with you now without the mindset, the tools I've misplaced to deal with your greed and want to hit you with my fist, but you will only laugh. Pain, I so wish I could convince you that I am not worthy of your friendship. If I could I would ghost you and never look back.
* One year ago I was hospitalised at Uppsala University Hospital in Uppsala, Sweden for a diagnosis I received known as #Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome, more commonly referred to as CRPS. After a the program I was hellbent on conquering my physical pain, doing yoga daily and walking daily. Unfortunately, I had both a physical and mental setback that has left me struggling with my own reality once again.
Comments (5)
Excellent job.
CRPS--as in crap! not simply once but repeatedly craps! Blessings & prayers to you.
Is this a story about PAIN or a frenemy who is a pain? I think it’s is the former, but the premise of the piece is too clever for me to be sure. Living with PAIN is a pain. Excellent writing in any event!
Out of sight, out of mind. Or is it just "out of mind?"
But you know what they say, living well is the best revenge... But also, I hear you.