Forgiving The LMFT Beast *⚠️trigger warning ⚠️*

Forgiving my mom was the greatest feat

I have ever accomplished

*

I knew if I could forgive her

I could forgive anyone

*

As malignant narcissist

and a licensed LMFT

She was cruel in her craft

She could even brainwash

you into thinking

you’re the one who is crazy

*

It was painful to realize

she has a degree behind her madness

That all the pain and manipulation

orchestrated was done

intentionally

by the one person

who should love and accept me

unconditionally

*

It took decades in therapy

healing the CPTSD

I first gained when I was three

(That according to my mom

“was solely from seeing

violence in ghetto streets”)

for me to even start speaking

of all the far greater atrocities

happening within our “humble home”

where everything was just perfect

to any outside eyes looking in

*

I started to open the floodgates in 2008

the first time I felt like someone

actually heard and saw me

*

“She always makes me seem like I’m crazy

for confronting the horrible things

she does to others and me."

"Then she makes others believe

she is so innocent,

but know one knows

who she really is underneath.”

My therapist said calmly,

“You are behaving like any sane person

who would have been mistreated.”

*

I still remember the day

the dam burst open back in 2015

*

Processing flashbacks

that otherwise I don't dare to speak

in an EMDR session

I cried hard and ugly

Afterwards my therapist looked at me

with compassion in his eyes

A look from my mother

I had never seen

“Sarah, I’m not sure if you know this,

but your mom is insane.”

“She didn’t deserve to have

such a loving and caring daughter like you.”

“You grew up in an environment

of constructed chaos,

and it was never your responsibility

to fix everything.”

“I know it’s hard,

but you have to let go and forgive.”

“While she may not deserve it,

you deserve to be free.”

*

It took years

It took work

It took tears

It took a whole team

*

But I can honestly say

after forgiving her I can forgive anything

*

With Lauryn Hill’s

“Forgive Them Father”

singing in my head

I have compassion

for those who have hurt me

*

I forgive myself

for not being the golden child

in a broken family system

For being the “problem child”

because I refused

to shut up, play my part, and accept injustices

I forgive my family for participating

in my mom’s telenovela of insanity

After all, they felt safer

playing their part just to keep the peace

*

I forgive myself for drawing disturbing things

as a kid in therapy

I forgive the men who inspired my art

when they tortured those other beings

And I forgive my mom for letting me play there

at the crack house unmonitored

so she could get her fix

*

I forgive myself for being an adolescent criminal

After all, a kid can only survive

by the ways in which they know

I forgive the man who held a gun to my head

He was just doing his job anyway

I forgive my mom for raising a criminal

by neglecting my needs and my safety

*

I forgive the boy who tried to kill me and my sister

after he took away her innocence

I forgive myself for doing what I had to do

to defend us

After all, he had mom mom’s consent

and we were all just prisoners

fighting the gladiator games

in my mom’s colosseum play

But I forgive the lanista

because brewing chaos is the only thing

that brings her joy

And the kind of happiness in my soul

is something she will never know

*

I forgive myself for having been

too trusting in anyone

who seemed nicer than my mom

After all, being nicer than her wasn’t very hard

I forgive the ones who took advantage of me

and my weakness

Who exploited my childishly foolish trust

in that they were actually good people

*

I forgive myself for being mean to people

who were just trying to help me

I forgive my mom for programming me

to believe that anyone helping me

was doing it for selfish reasons

*

I forgive myself for ever hurting someone

especially with emotional dumping

After all, it was hard for me to conceive

how to share myself with someone

when for me excruciating emotional pain was normalcy

For me treading through the fires of hell

was like a walk in the park

It's something I was raised to do daily

like a soldier training for combat

Only the warzone was in the walls of my home

and I was brainwashed to believe

that was true for everyone

every person and family

And subconsciously I was just trying be honest

about the struggles that I was facing

with hopes that it would help

them understand me better

Knowing that I'm doing my absolute best

despite my unrest

and still accept me for who I am

how far that I've come

But now I am grateful that I have learned

how to say less

To not hurt others

by telling them things

they don't have the capacity to hear or accept

That not everyone deserves to understand me

and the trials that I've been through

I know my own struggles, resilience, and effort

and I fully accept all of me as I come

I forgive my mom for making me believe

even the most atrocious incidents

were normal ways of living

And for using understanding me

and taking count of my emotional state

as a means of manipulation

I forgive my mom for training me

to be a soldier fighting in her war

instead of raising her daughter to live

And I forgive me mom for threatening me

when I tried to call child protective services

*

I forgive the ones I shared too much with

(and if you think this poem is sharing too much, you've only yet to scratch the surface. Besides, you already chose to read 999 words of this, so here's your reminder to cherish the good in your life because no one's is perfect.)

who used it against me

After all, it taught me to be more cautious

and only share myself when I know I’m safe

I forgive my mom for making me feel

that I had to always give an answer

and divulge everything

My honesty and open heart left me vulnerable

to her cruel tactics of manipulation

I forgive her for causing

over-explaining and over-sharing

to become a nasty habit

Now, I won't explain or share anything

with anyone committed to misunderstanding me

I reserve my vulnerability

for only the ones who have earned

the honor to know me

*

I forgive myself for not speaking up

about all the atrocities

earlier in my healing journey

After all, all odds were stacked against me…

even my own family

I forgive my mom for making me feel

unsafe to speak

in my earlier years in therapy

bribing and manipulating my therapist

to tell her everything I said

*

I forgive myself from ever withholding

my authentic expression

quieting my voice

and feeling unsafe to speak with my heart

for believing I couldn't sing

I forgive my mom for making me believe

my authentic expression was unwanted

making me believe my voice was ugly

I am grateful now because I have found

liberation through using my voice

I have remembered

how to sing

how to speak through my heart

*

I forgive myself for ever

trying to persuade someone

to take the journey of healing

when they weren’t ready to let go

of their toxic addictions and outdated programs

I recognize sometimes it does hurt to heal

and sometimes asking others to heal

does more harm than good

I forgive my mom for never wanting to heal

because healing meant

she had to leave behind her 3-ring circus

her fancy hat and leather whip

And her lust for the fear in the elephant's eyes

when she lit them on fire and commanded them to dance

*

I forgive the man who lost his mind

and assaulted me

It was the first time I was hit

and turned the other cheek

because I knew violence wouldn't solve anything

After all, now he’s getting the help he needs

and seeing his mental instability

made me grateful to have my own sanity

I forgive my mom making me believe

that fighting those who are insane

would solve anything

*

I forgive myself in the past

for having such “thin skin”

and lashing out at others defensively

when it wasn’t even about me

I forgive my mom for all the abuse

that triggered me to act defensively

and making me perceive

that any little thing was a threat to me

*

I forgive myself for triggering others

with my truth and reality

After all, like one of my healers says,

“You’re gonna trigger people

when you raise your frequency,

because you illuminate the shadows

they have yet to heal.”

I forgive my mom for punishing me

for telling the truth

when it threatened her false reality

I will tell the truth when it's needed

I'm no stranger to shattering false realities

I've been doing it since I could speak

*

I forgive myself for over-apologizing

and taking all the blame

in situations that weren't entirely my fault

I forgive myself for taking responsibility

for circumstances where I did nothing wrong

I forgive my mom for never taking responsibility

for when she hurt others and me

Always shifting the blame

and never, ever apologizing

I forgive my mom for forcing me

take ownership and apologize

in situations that weren't even my fault

and when I was reacting

to something she did wrong

I'm grateful now because I've learned

when ownership of mistakes

and apologies are needed

I'm grateful now because I've learned

to respond instead of react

to someone else's hurtful behavior

*

I forgive myself for having so much love to give

that I have given it to the wrong people

who didn't appreciate it

I forgive the man who broke my heart

After all, he wasn't able to love anyone else

without the ability to even love himself

I forgive my mom for making me feel

worthless as a kid

For making me feel unlovable

because I had been broken

But I am grateful because since then

I have realized

that I am whole

and that I am worth love

I found a love for myself

that cannot be tarnished by anyone

*

I forgive myself in the past

for having weak boundaries

that allowed for others to manipulate me easily

I forgive my mom for breaking me to be that way

to maintain her puppet strings

I am grateful because now

I've learned to maintain

diamond strength boundaries

imbued with love stronger

than a wedding ring

that has the power to block out

even the most evil entities

*

I forgive the witches cult

who did black magic on me

when I was finally breaking free

from her bindings

After all, they were just following orders

and their leader is one who I know is frightening

*

But I forgive her

and now that I forgive her

I know I can forgive anyone

for anything