Five Forty Five

i got a five dollar bill as a book mark

the place i work at paid for my boots

it's not like i have many more fucks to give

no fucks, no hollers, no hoots

i care about my immediate family

but outside my inner circle all bets are off

charity begins at home my friend

don’t laugh; its true, don't scoff

i don't care for very much at all

not here, not now, not anyway

and i will probably carry on like this

right up until my dying day

//

my nanna lived until she was ninety five

she loved ciggies and beer in a cup

my mother told me it’s a familial female trait

and that i shouldn't get my hopes up

i don't know who my father was

and with that i am way beyond caring

he abandoned us both before i was born

and now maybe i’m just oversharing

his place was eventually taken

by another lover that my mother took

she ruined that in a fit of pique one night

so our relationship, it never quite took

we buried him a few years ago now

the cancer just ate him away

he never let me get to know who he was

and i still don't to this very day

//

i was supposed to be asleep by now

in the grip of prescribed sleeping pills

so easy to fight; yet a buzzed sleepless tonight

and there lays the heart of my ills

i think about turning the tele on

but that would just add to my awake

so i lie here stiff and unflinching

waiting for the sleep just to take

i'm aware that i'm mumbling and rambling

and making sense just to myself

but this way i bring myself down

and keep on top of my mental health

the light of bedside lamp interferes

as I tap tap tap away on my phone

i think i prefer to be by myself

not lonely, but simply alone