Existence is a Contradiction

I want to write but I force myself

Where did the passion go?

It’s the same with life in general

I am now a lost soul

Or I have been or I never wasn’t

Not sure how it feels to be found

To want more than you're given

A reality that astounds me

Will I ever find the thing that grounds me?

Because recently all I want to be is a part of it

Buried deep in my decaying pit

Serenity when I call it quits

But that’s not an option now

is it?

As much as I want it

As I day dream of how

I’m still afraid of it

What comes after may bring a bigger frown

Or I will become the nothing I feel

Is it worse or will I heal

Healing here seems impossible

And whenever I get a glimpse of hope

I can never cross the threshold

Risks I take could end me or renew

Petrified of the first

Curious of the last

A pretty girl solves it for a moment

But then I remember my past

So certain of who was loyal

Yet I was more than wrong

Betrayal comes from love

So how do I move along

I crave it so viciously but end it before it’s done

Can’t fathom the possibility that a love can stay strong

I’ve had representation

My parents and some friends

I know it’s real, but how though?

Their secrets are amends

I guess I will figure it out for myself

I’ll have to take a chance

Some people seem worth it

I pray the worth it doesn’t last

Dancing around the thought it could be easy to forget

That it could ruin me because alive is the romance

Worry free, anxiety no longer carrying me

To leave the shell rather than become it

It deserves a try

I’ll put in the effort to want a better life

Although in retrospect I have everything I used to want

A place of my own, a car, and a job I don’t dread

Bittersweet because i'd have none of it if my mother wasn’t dead

Loss for gain

I’d rather have her here

I’d still be struggling but I wouldn’t have this fear

I would have never made it own my own

It was me or her and her god decided she had to go

Again, I question

Was it worth the risk?

He took away what was left of me

Damn him and his kids

Or rather just his sons

Daughters he pays no mind

We’re meant to reproduce our future kings that bring terror to remind

That women have no power

Nor do minorities

We need change

But secretly I wait for the aliens to invade

I know they’ve been here

But is the white man’s power so infused in our system

That they stay away because of them?

Deals were probably made

Non consensual experiments put in place

I want to know why they paused and didn’t play

They are far more intelligent yet they stray away from the

I’m tired of the present

Please abduct what is left of us

Our planet should die in peace

The humankind should leave

Or go with it

Why do we feel important?

Why continue all this torture?

Hope.

Hope is always there

Hope is the enemy

Yet also the only thing that cares

All of existence is a contradiction

We’re exhausted, at a loss, I forfeit, I am a victim

Victims get nothing

Full circle as always

Repetition run by religion

That not everyone even believes

I believe in nothing

And I am nothing so you see

I still believe in myself with no substance

No higher being

I am my own god

And god is not real

But these are just my thoughts

My passion took the wheel