Empathy

my little brother feels closest to me because i “understand how he feels”

that we’re alike in that way

god i hope that isn’t true

i hope he doesn’t feel like a volcano about to erupt if spoken to in the wrong tone

instead i imagine he feels like the ocean after a storm has passed

he looks up to me

which i love and i hate

i love that he looks at me in awe and not disgust

but i hate the pressure put on me to do better for him

especially when i should do better for me

i love my little brother, don’t get me wrong

i would take a bullet for him if i had too

but my fear is he’d want it to hit him instead

that he’d hate me forever for taking away his chance at something he doesn’t have the courage to do himself

it’s funny how easy it is to romanticize the sadness in the world

but pretty words pair well with depressive ones

i wonder if that’s why he “feels like me”

if his positive experiences are all tainted by the devil sat like a king inside his mind

destroying his thoughts and ruling his emotions

maybe that’s where his anger bursts come from, or maybe, they come from so much pent up (self) hatred that it seeps through the cracks

it saddens me to think he would dislike himself,

moreover, to inflict harm upon himself

i understand it though, feelings so big that they take up every inch of your skin crawling with goosebumps

lifting up each hair on every crevasse of your body and sending chills down your spine

feelings that seem to never end and the inability to find the beginning

so maybe we are similar

but god i wish we weren’t