Don't Ask Me How I'm Doing

Please stop asking me how I'm doing

Cause I don't know how to answer that anymore

I don't know that I want to answer that anymore

Because I won't lie to you

See I'm not in the business of masking for the sake of your comfort

I am not doing well.

I wake up in vain and fall asleep in pain.

A seemingly endless, vicious battle between my body and my brain

I am never not under attack

I am not ok.

Bloated. Nauseous. Trapped gas that won't pass. Always on the toilet, toddler up my ass.

Skin and bones nothing I eat absorbs. The smallest bump to my body inflames me with pain and I instantly become enraged. I'm so sick of the pain..

Cold and fatigued. Low iron you see.

Nothing fits, I'm wasting away. I dress my masculinity, but it feels like I've lost my femininity.

The curves I once had now carved into sharp edges. I don't recognize who stands in the mirror. I have love and compassion for her. But this is not who I want to be.

I am not ok.

Cramps and anxiety, or is it the anxiety making me cramp? I can't tell.

Brain fog, sorry I've already forgotten your name. But I'll remember your face.

Forgive me, I am unwell, if you can't tell.

Can't sit too long, back aches.

Can't stand too long, back aches, legs shake.

Think I'll go lay down for a while

Or maybe all day.

Oops that was too long. Hips numb, feet numb

Time to stretch except,

I can't seem

to

breathe

deep

enough.

Don't ask me how I'm doing.

Because I won't lie.

And to be honest I'm exhausted trying to constantly soothe my own discomfort

I really don't have space for yours, when you get uncomfortable by my response.

When you notice how I'm barely hanging on.

Seeing a friend suffering and sad, it's natural you'll want to try to "fix me"

You'll want to offer advice that wasn't asked

And it probably won't help, it probably won't be anything I haven't heard, or haven't tried. I probably know more on the subject than you.

Believe me, I've been fighting for years. I've been researching for years. Studying my body for years.

Can't you see? I'm just tired. So, so tired.

So don't ask me how I'm doing.

You won't like my answer.

My misery does NOT love company.

I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody.