Distorted Thoughts

Hi,

My name is Courtney and I have Bipolar Disorder. There has been a war going on inside of me for the last few weeks, I’ve been going back and forth trying to decide if I should post this video or not, because of how hearing it breaks my heart.

The biggest reason for questioning to post or not is the that I truly at the time, and sometimes even now, have such distorted thoughts of what being in a relationship is supposed to be for me.

Somehow my mind has tricked me into believing that someone leaving is in their best interest. This video opens the wound beneath the scar of how little I think of my heart.

Like somehow because I have bipolar, and am not like the others it justifies modifying the rules of love because, simply put,

I will never become their version of enough.

That just having them present in my life is all I have the right to want, anything above that is something other than nonchalant.

I’m already getting enough, the proof is right there in my bed, no one else would even do that much. Because I can’t promise them more good days than bad & I can’t promise them that I’ll never make another horrible mistake?

So I should just be happy for the warmth of your touch? I know I can be tough to love, trust me,

I battle with it everyday, but that doesn’t mean I deserve to be loved in such an unapologetic way. I deserve just as much as anyone else, so please stop constantly enforcing my guilt.

You think that I’m the only person who needs to say sorry because you’re the one who has the sob story of being “in love” with a psycho,like you deserve a nomination for a golden globe?

Never being able to get too comfortable being myself for fear the humility, this twisted way of thinking washes away all of my dignity, but again I should just be happy to have someone, you...to love me?

The constant pressure to be all that you desire leaves me cutting it down to the wire trying to outrun the ticking clock I know that you watch,I just didn’t know when you had set it to stop and allow the bomb to go off, should have known it would be after helping you get to the top, I should have known our love wasn’t that strong and that I would undoubtedly be the easiest thing to drop.

So here I am under my blanket of shame, one more broken relationship to take away the hope that a man will ever stay and love me through all the great days and all of the days filled with pain, that someone out there will take me for everything I am,the good and the bad, and make me never question if I’m worth it, just as I am.

Because when I’m on top of my game no one can love quite like I can!

This is what I need to tell myself in order to stop thinking they are saving themselves when really they are just opening the door for the right one to come in to love me like they can’t. Cause for somebody out there,

…..everything you find wrong about me will be right for the heart that is meant to love me.(Trent shelton)