Disappear

I want to disappear into this cup of coffee.

I want it to swallow me whole.

I want the heat to spread through my body, penetrate my bones, and bring me the relief that I have always been so desperately searching for.

I want it to help me forget my problems.

I want it to help me function like normal.

I just want so badly to feel normal.

I want to have conversations without thoughts of you circling through my mind.

I want to have relationships without memories of you ruining them. Every. Single. Time.

I want so badly to know what it is like to have a mind you have never been a part of.

I just want to know who I could have been if I had never met you.

Maybe I would trust people instead of always assuming they want to do me harm.

Maybe when I laughed my eyes would have the same light that they used to.

Maybe I would have learned how to finally let someone in.

Maybe I wouldn’t be so terrified to have sex because I would know what it’s like for someone to actually love me.

Maybe I just wouldn’t be so fucking terrified all of the time.

I don’t think there is enough coffee in this house to ever make you go away.