Despite My Best Efforts

I stumble on legs of two

Through a day of unknown events

Despite my best efforts

My thoughts are wrong

My actions hurtful though done without malice

*****

I barely have time to sort my own thoughts and feelings

As I am perpetually bombarded

With the thoughts and feelings of others.

*****

Despite what I thought was me and what I'm about

I'm redefined by others daily.

If I am to believe them,

I don't know myself at all.

*****

Am I truly the monster some would make me out to be?

Or am I just a dumping ground for others too twisted and bent inside to cope?

Is blaming me a cry for help

Rather than a genuine accusation?

*****

Because dealing with my own internal torments is hard enough

My insecurities crippling me to the point of barely functioning some days.

But I try anyway.

*****

I have crashed.

It wasn't pretty.

All the crippling thoughts spilled out

Like a smashed pumpkin in the street.

Then I felt nasty and violated by it.

A public stain on me visible at every turn

In every set of eyes I looked into.

In the mirror looking back at me.

*****

I've stumbled

I've flat out fallen

But I got up again

My theme song 🎵 is the one by Chumbawumba

"I get knocked down but I get up again"

*****

I would never want anyone to feel the way I do inside

I wouldn't be so cruel to inflict that pain on others.

I worry all the time about the feelings of others

But I get lost in that maze

And can't find my way out again.

*****

There is only one way forward

We must each be responsible for our own thoughts and feelings

After all, we are their creator

We can reinvent them at any time.

I wouldn't stab myself over and over again.

So why have painful thoughts over and over again?

Reconciling them is the only way to be free.

*****

What to do?

Inspect your thoughts.

Weigh them carefully

Are they with merit?

Then set boundaries and/or map a path to resolution.

If your thought patterns are baseless

Merely creations of the fear demons

That attempt to erode your sanity

Banish them. Send those fear demons beyond the horizon to plague you no more.

*****

We do have the power you know.

To un-create or reshape any thought we formed.

Thoughts are things.

Where attention goes,

Energy flows.

Let's not feed the monsters under the bed.

Use your attention and energy wisely instead.

*****

And let's not accept the responsibility of what others push onto us

To avoid their personal responsibility to deal with it.

Leave each to conquer their own torment.

Today I rise to wield my power to the positive.

I DO know who I am

And that is who I shall be.

**********************************************************

Poetry for me is something I write when I am pained on a topic and need to lance it from my soul. To let the words out so that they don't fester and wither my soul. They often aren't pretty topics and they aren't written in beautiful prose. It just flows out of me. Many of my poems just live in my phone, written by cellphone glow in the darkness when anxiety wakes me and I can't go back to sleep. Some I publish because it occurred to me that many of us hide our feelings in shame and feel there is no one else out there that would understand --- but we are many rather than the few, and we do understand and are glad to find we are not alone. An odd bit of comfort perhaps to know there are others going through similar things, but it gives us the strength to keep going. Thank you for reading these odd bits of my soul. I hope they help in some way to bring comfort. Many blessings to you. And may you find your way forward to that which you seek.