Dear Mom

Dear Mom, I have one question... why? Why don’t you call? All I ask is that you call. Why did you leave? You know when you left you left me behind too. Why do they hate you? Why does everybody hate you? And why do they call you names, like mean, selfish and rude. What did you even do?

Dear Mom, do you love me?, because even though you say you love me, even though you say I’m your precious child it never actually feels like you mean it, because the definition of love is an intense feeling of deep affection and from you... I just don’t feel love.

I wish I could say dear mom, I love you. I wish I could say my mother is the best friend I ever had. I wish I could say Dear mom you are my world, my hero but if I were to say any of that, I’d be lying

Dear Mom, you are not my mom. Yes you carried me for 9 months, yes you gave birth to me, yes you were the first person I saw when I opened my eyes, yes you are my “mom”, well my biological “mom”, but you’ve been in and out of my life since I was 4, you can’t just become apart of my life again.

You lost the right to set rules on my life. You have no say on who I date, you have no say on who I am friends with, you have no say on what I do to my body, you have absolutely no say on my life... because you are not my mom.

Dear Mom, you don’t know me. You only know what I allow you to know. If you knew me You’d know that my life isn’t any easier than yours. If you knew me you’d know when I had my first kiss because you’d be the first person I’d tell but of course your not apart of my life, your not apart of me like I want you to be. If you knew me you’d know me better than my friends do but that’s just not true. If you knew me you’d know that my first relationship was with a girl. You won’t even be at my wedding because I don’t want you to be at my wedding. You don’t even know that I will be marrying a woman, the woman of my dreams, the woman I wish to spend my lifetime with. For god sake you just don’t know me!

I’ve changed. My whole life has changed. I’ve probably experienced more things in the last year then you have in your entire life. I have gone through depression and anxiety, homophobic criticism, I have lost so many friends that I can’t live without but I’ve also met so many new people who I know will always be by my side, I have been kicked out of my childhood home, I was so close...to killing myself.

Dear Mom, I think about you everyday, and I wonder if you think about me, if you will maybe call, if you miss me like I miss you. Well I can’t really say I miss you. How can I miss someone that I haven’t seen in years, someone I have little to no connection with? I can’t even say that i love you and that may sound cruel but how can I love someone that hurt me, abandoned me, someone who never fought for me, someone who never actually cared about me?

You’ve lied to me so many times. You’ve tried to hide your mistakes and wrong doing from me and covered them up with a smile. You’ve acted like everything was fine, like everything was normal, but I know everything was far from fine and far from normal.

Dear Mom, I’ve gotten through the last ten years of my life without you, I can do the same for the rest of it.

Dear Mom, all that to say... thank you for trying your best even though I doubt you tried at all, but no thank you. I’ve made it this far without you, I can go the rest of the ride without you too.