Dear love.

Hey, it’s me.

I know you’re wondering how we ended up here. We use to paint these ideas of growing old together but now it’ll just be you. I’m sure at this point you can’t fathom how I could’ve ever done this. You painted this pretty picture of me, but deep down inside your painting was wrong you didn’t use the right colors. You didn’t know my color palette and you always too much light in my painting, the reality of it all, I was very broken my paint dried and cracked. My canvas was coming apart at the seams, and there wasn’t enough paint in the world to fix me. I was so scared, and no one not even you could help me. I hate to admit that I was a lost cause. I must’ve made this decision years ago long before I met you. Please don’t take credit for my death. This was 110% my choice my doing this was the one thing in my life I had complete control over. I’m not bragging as though it may seem.

I know you’re probably mad that the many times you asked I always said I was OK. I never felt like I could truly confide in you. I just assumed that the second you knew my dark reality would leave just like everyone else. I always liked being alone, but you made me want to be alone with you.

It’s ironic that everyone always said that I had tough skin because in the end my skin wasn’t so tough. Every comment, every joke everything they’ve ever said is stuck with me. It weighed me down, and I drowned in their words I drowned in the idea that I could never be enough for you but it wasn’t an idea was it, that was my reality I would never be enough for you.

You may not like this part, but I think me leaving was good for both of us. I know you never asked for this, and I know deep down you always wondered what life could be if you never met me. I was a walking natural disaster since the minute I was born. Anywhere I was chaos would sure to follow, and everyone in my life knew it.

I often drowned in my own silence although I enjoyed my own company. I was my own greatest enemy and I lost every battle.

I used to think everyone in my life was cursed for knowing me even more so when they would be loved by me, how could someone like me love someone like you, you deserve the world and I probably should’ve left it years ago. I have many sins, my greatest was holding you back in life.

My mother thinks I am brainwashed because I don’t believe in the big guy in the sky. I lived by his book and I did everything you are suppose to do and yet I never felt him, he never saved me. He must’ve heard all my cries because he hears all right? How could he do this to me. How could he have created life and still let their be so much death and war. This world is cruel, only the strong survive so I know I do not belong. God and church, two things I always struggled to understand. Perhaps even he knew I was worthy of life, otherwise he would’ve healed me. I know that’s probably not how it works but there was so much pain in my life I couldn’t fathom a God who would allow that. I was a child, I wasn’t protected and I didn’t feel loved. I turned my back on him and life didn’t change so how could he be real.

My cries were silenced by the fear of anyone ever knowing how weak I was. I wouldn’t even allow myself to cry in the shower because I thought you knew the difference between water and tears. You always called me unbreakable but I was already so fucking broken inside. You tried to heal scars you didn’t create. That’s the truth, I was already dead when you met me, you just made me stay a little longer. This isn’t your fault, you gave me enough memories for my final moment.

They say when you are dying your life will play out in your head. Everything you’ve ever done, every face you’ve ever seen. All the good will pass through one last time before your flame finally goes out. In my last moments I saw you. I saw two kids sleeping in the back of that caliber, watching Netflix off our phones. I saw a summer of endless icee’s and reruns of the office. I saw you give me that sunflower ring with a promise of a future so bright. I saw you.

I won’t even pretend to know how you must feel, I just know I didn’t deserve to be loved by you. You selflessly loved me, and always tried to be my light. Sometimes I thought maybe you saw right through my act but I was a pretty damn good actor, wasn’t I ?

I know the most selfish thing I have ever done, and will ever do in my life is create life and leave. I think we all know that our boys are better off with you. They adore you far more than me. I will die, knowing our children will live a better life without me in it, because they have cute. I hope you never doubt yourself as a father you exceed every expectation life could’ve ever thrown at you, most importantly, being a father.

One day in another life I will be ready to love you. I know you probably don’t trust me now but I will search for you in every life, in every solar system. If you choose to not love me in every life I will just watch and protect you.

I wish I could’ve been the one for you. I’m so sorry I couldn’t heal myself, at one time I did try. I truly tried to want to live, I wanted to grow old with you but my mind wouldn’t let me think that far ahead. I wish I had the strength to walk away from you before we got this far. You gave me the best years of my short life.

I will love you in life and death. I will love you forever. I know it’s selfish to ask but live for the both of us. And please in time, forgive me.

Love always, me.