Darkness is the New Happiness

I’ve been sitting by the window all day, waiting for night. Finally, the blue of the sky darkens to navy. I cross my arms at the window sill and watch the streetlamps come on one by one.

The light flickers out, and it’s twilight now, nothing but blackness outside my window except for a few stars. I take off my shoes to hear them rub against each other as I walk down the hallway towards my bedroom. My bedroom is dark, but it smells like lavender, so it feels cozier this way.

I get into bed without turning on any lights because that would ruin this sense of peace that has settled over me while sitting in darkness by myself in solitude with just the stars, the pigeons, and the crickets. There is nothing I need to do to deserve this peace. I was too broken to do anything to earn it. And it should not have happened, save for the grace of not having to go to therapy tonight. Maybe I should go tomorrow.

I pull blankets over my shoulders and curl up with one leg underneath me. I’ll be spending the entire night in this position, knees tucked to my chin. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, really. I’m used to sleeping in this position. I’m used to laying out on the couch instead of the bed. I’ve spent the night like this countless times before, but this isn’t about me. This is about allowing myself to feel safe tonight. Tonight, I need to feel safe.

I close my eyes and fall asleep early, but dreams come anyway.

Tough to be honest

the darker it is

the more I can’t see

tough, to be honest.

Tough to be open

I don’t want to be locked in

Tough to be vulnerable and weak and stupid and afraid.

Darkness is the New Happiness

Our confidence is gleaming.

it’s time to shine, time to evolve

we can stand, we can make it through to the brighter side

I feel like I’m falling too quickly. My heart accelerates when my thoughts are slowing.