Cravings

I crave routine but I can never get to it. I make lists. To-do lists with time constraints, but by the time I am checking these off, I am an hour late.

I crave passion, sex, intimacy, but every day is a battle to get to the next day, that these things just become a fleeting thought. A goal to put on the back burner. "Maybe we'll make the time for it when life slows down a bit." I worry we'll be too far gone and it will be too late by then.

I crave talent, motivation to do something, anything that will give me a sense of contentment, accomplishment. Something that I look forward to doing, completing. Instead, I am doing only things that are deemed necessary for our lives to carry on.

I crave diversity, spontaneity, while all at once longing for a routine that I can stick to. The nuttiness of it all is pretty frustrating.

I crave appreciation. Love. Something to look forward to without the stress of having to attain it. Most stress is becoming financial, I crave financial security. Money doesn't buy happiness, but life's dependency on it is astounding.

I never want to look backward but looking ahead gives me dizzying anxiety that procrastination, and my lack of ability to confront anything become too strong and any holes already dug just keep getting deeper.

I am craving a routine. I am afraid this life, this growing list of wants and worries has become my routine.