Conclusive.

“Sadness”. Coming from an inner disappointment. Wanting to make you proud of what I have done, what I have become, my potential. But the only thing that really made you happy is the things that didn't give me passion. Aliveness. I made you this, made you that. It didn't seem to be enough. Or I didn't get the excited joyful reaction that I longed for. The same energy I put into it, I wanted it back in the same reactions. I wanted you to know I could shine by myself. You were impressed and I was disappointed. I threw away those ideals and gained the ones that would perhaps make you see how much potential I had. Even that wasn't enough. I eventu-ally gave up and was stuck on doing what I had to do and not what I wanted to do. All just to impress you. I'd make you a drawing, I'd make you food, I'd show you what I learned and how smart I was on my own but my idea never matched your satisfaction. I believed in myself so much and wanted you to know it and love the fact that I believed. I wanted you to receive my manifestation of love and awh. And not shame it for something "nice", "good job", "no I don't want any right now", "I'm sure it's nice", or "I’m proud of you". I never felt your satisfaction. It was so dry and that's all I wanted. I love creating and wanted you to love what I created. When the reactions never met the effort put into it I became sad. I wanted to impress you, I wanted your approval. I wanted you to be as happy for me as "they" make it seem anywhere else. Your opinion mattered more than anything, you were a reflection. You were the creator, you were my God, and I wanted god to see what I could do. God didn't show interest in my projects, points of view, didn't care how it was made. I started doing what you were doing, and you weren't impressed unless it was exactly like yours - word for word, spell for spell, measure for measure. I began to hate you for going against my views, my wishes, and throwing them away because of my age, and gender. Growing and coming about I realized you never believed in me or had faith in me. You thought I would fail or fuck up more than being successful and profitable. Icing a joyous life. I always knew it. I know that being sad came from not living to your expectations. My only savior is now knowing I don't need to live up to your views and expected experience. I just need to do me for the sake of doing me. I'm always safe and happy when I realize that. I will release that blockage of being sad and turn it to confidential power. I know I got it, never went far.

“My abilities were in the distance, far away as a friend. But as big as the sun. Though at a distance big enough for the world; a nourishment that would never end".