Clouded

I told you to your face that I didn't need you, and your response was then how can I be the person you need. Your intentions come off as so pure woven with kindness with every good morning text you send. But I am on the other side, dreading the texts, feeling pressure of when you will need me again. When I am with you time is absorbed, I used to love that about you, we were always in the presence of now. with each other; but instead of that bliss of being with you, I feel like all my time is absorbed by you and there is no silence that can sit between us. No time where I can just look at my phone, be in the presence of my own without you acquiring attention from me in some way. This relationship is exhausting to me. All the time spent away from you is for self-recovery, for me finding any sort of rejuvenation of patients and kindness and understanding I can muster up to give to you. Because when I don't you comment on it, make a word turn into several, overflood my brain to the point where all I want to do is walk away. I don't want to talk more about anything, our relationship fogs my brain from everything else in my day. When I leave being around you, that's when I re find my truth, re find the me from you. I am always talking about how relationships are complicated, always telling others how this isnt going to last long, that I don't see a future. I even go to tell you this and you tell me to look at the real world. That the breakup songs I constantly listen to, aren't true. That our relationship is real, and that this isn't actually how I feel. You are telling me how to adjust my mind to your illusions, telling me my bad thoughts about us are only intrusive., that there are so much more love to live. But I don't believe that, I am looking at my facts which are you are not bettering who I am in my life. That I have to spend my time away from you to recver just to give myself more to give to you. I am not giving myself anything in return, you are not what I need in return.

But the real question isn't why you won't let me go. Any Scorpio would know this. We refuse to be left, we give our hearts carefully, but once you walk away you are scorned. You will hold on by tooth and nail to not feel betrayed, to not have to lay in your bed alone again, for not another person to give up on you. But my question to myself is why I can't seem to let go either. Why do I give in, when all I see is the end, nothing we can talk out or change our ways, but that our days are limited. Why do I let your nonsense just spew out of your mouth and let myself just hold on despite all my doubt. Why won't I let my own truth out and simply walk away. Maybe I don't want to hurt you, but that is inevitable, maybe I wish you would see it too, so I am not seen as blind, maybe I don't want to give up on yet another person in my life and be out in this world without someone again. It could be any of these, but I go to bed and wake up believing this isn't right for me. That like I told you; I have nothing else to give.

No matter the fight you have to want to hold me, no matter how many times you point out the good we have experienced in our life because of each other, I know it. I know what it is like to fight for someone in your life to not lose them, and I am not doing that, you are. Every day I walk around without ending these terms, my body fights back because it knows what's right. My body fills with anxiety and qualms about the truth while you just wait for me to text you back.