Campbell's Chicken Soup

My mother’s last moments were near

Father wired some money and asked me to come home

So we could say good-bye as a family

It was Thanksgiving morning

I had just put the turkey in the oven

I tossed it in the trash

And quickly packed my bags

We hastily headed from Dallas to New Mexico

Mom was refusing treatment

She was tired of fighting

Cancer, heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure

All on top of artifacts from childhood polio

Had taken their final toll

She was done

We arrived and Dad considered his work complete

He immediately left to go hang out with his buddies

Drinking coffee and acting like goons at the local waffle house

No one questioned this behavior

They knew his temper

They knew his faithlessness

They knew his selfishness

I was there so there was no need in his mind for him to suffer

Through Mom’s last moments

His wife of 50 years

Which was why he sent for me

He always relegated responsibility to others

I was there; I could take over

His duties were settled

So I sat beside her and waited and talked

She wanted Campbell’s chicken noodle soup

I went and bought six cans for her

This angered Father because it was not healthy for her

He felt she was dying because she refused to do healthy things and take care of herself

The doctor okayed it, so I did what she wanted

Her dying embarrassed my father

Her diseased body embarrassed him

She looked bad, bloated and unhealthy and

In his eyes that was not acceptable

She had not taken care of herself so this was all her fault

Her dying was on her

She did it to herself

She was weak

It was shameful

On Saturday, I had to go back to Dallas

To take care of a work issue that really could have waited

But my manager refused to put it off

Or show compassion

An issue that could have been handled via FedEx

But she pathologically enjoyed her power over me and others

And her control knowing I needed my job

Denying me an extra day with my mother

Saturday night, before I left,

Mom promised she would not die that week

I pointed out it was Saturday and the week was almost over

She laughed, “You’re right.”

She told me I frightened her with my fearlessness

And she never thought she would have such an intrepid child

I kept quiet thinking, “Well you made me that way with the evil, cruel things you did”

Being fearless was the only way to survive the physical, verbal and mentally abusive

Onslaughts she and Father inflicted on me incessantly

But this was not the time for that conversation

A conversation I tried to have many times before to no avail

It’s time had passed

So I just held her hand

And let it go

This was a time to heat up canned soup and keep her comfortable

It was a time for closure and a loving send off

Dad never came around during those days

So, we never had time as a family to have closure

I drove back to Dallas, signed the paper my manager needed me to sign

And immediately turned around and drove back to New Mexico

A 600 mile journey each way

Driving into Roswell, I felt a sudden dark thud in my chest

And I knew she was gone

Arriving at the hospital, Dad met me in the parking lot to

Tell me she had passed

Her room was full of people looking

At her body

It made me furious

Her one wish all her life

Was that she not be made into a spectacle when she died

Dad was inviting anyone and everyone to

Come look at her swollen dead body

People were there I didn’t know

People she didn’t know

Invited by my father to gawk at her diseased lifeless body

And fawning over my father with misplaced sympathy

She was the one who died

And her wishes were being violated

But he used it to get attention

Anything to make it about him

The man who was not there the week she was dying

His self-centeredness never ends

I couldn’t help myself; I started to cry

Prompting Father to

Slap me in the face, telling me to stop blubbering

I was embarrassing him

I felt sadness for all she had missed in life

I felt hatred toward him

I will always feel hatred toward him

- Julie O'Hara

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