Brown Eyes

I can’t believe I told you two of my darkest secrets!

We spent the close of the night

chatting up at Coaster’s.

Your brown eyes igniting a glow

I’ve longed to be warmed by

since that day I painted

that watercolor for my mother.

The one with the dog,

and the little red-headed girl

getting scolded by mama

for getting her dress all dirty

playing in the mud with her best friend

and loyal companion:

—her dog.

It made my mother laugh when she saw the painting.

I’d been exiled to time out.

I was 10 or something,

I don’t know,

I don’t keep track of numbers

the way I do memories.

It’s almost laughable

to think of my recent love affair with mathematics,

considering

I still count on my fingers sometimes!

But anyway,

my mom,

she laughed at my painting.

Somehow,

I felt proud that she was laughing.

She knew the little red-headed girl was me.

We didn’t even have a dog,

but I was the bad kid,

the one who was always in trouble.

The one who always had some smart-ass thing to say.

I always chose to learn the hard way.

I wouldn’t let anyone in;

because it hurt too much.

I searched for my soulmate—waiting for my hero

you know?

I was the kid who would stand at the window singing

Disney’s “Somewhere Out There.”

Looking like a lost Sara McGlothlin,

hoping and praying

that someone would rescue me.

Hoping there was another person like me

out there in the world.

And last Thursday,

with your brown eyes;

I fell into a galaxy.

I met,

no,

I have known some muses!

She sat next to me.

Tired,

but there for me.

This mother;

this friend.

This intelligent, fierce creature

that I’ve fallen madly in love with.

And look,

I’m gay.

Bi-sexual;

all labels aside,

I’m just me. . .

but trust me,

she’s not my type.

We get love so fucked up these days!

Envy and jealousy

cheapening both romance and friendship,

all in one breath of greed!

The shadow of Envy,

our poison.

We can love without reason,

but without reason

we struggle to thrive in love!

Your brown eyes looked at me once!

Only once,

did we dare peek into each other’s souls.

You were afraid I think—

after all you were claiming the art I was admiring,

and I was, and truly am admiring it,

because damn,

you did that!

You made that!

And you;

are stunning. . .

If I was a magazine editor, it’d be you I’d feature!

The way you push your neck forward,

the way you close your eyes

and the music reverberates through this hall,

rolling over my tired bones,

soothing my aching anxiety.

You told me some of your secrets too.

I’ll cherish those secrets,

and tell you worse things about me

so that you know

I ain’t got shit to say.

Because the only stone any of us

can cast

is at ourselves!

Your brown eyes,

they hid behind your glasses.

But you looked at me with hope.

You looked at me the longest I think.

You heard me;

you believed me.

Most probably think I’m a little crazy—

and I’m not!

Because if I didn’t believe in the extraordinary,

if I didn’t believe in magic,

then psychology

would be a joke.

Brown eyes were the theme last Thursday.

They were the message I needed.

Brown eyes.

They captivated me;

they caused me to fall in love again.

Brown eyes. . .

To think only hours before I lay on my bed,

certain I would die,

certain there were no more artists who cared!

I told your brown eyes

about another pair of brown eyes I loved.

5 pairs—no six,

maybe more;

that have closed to me forever!

I told you about Joe.

How he left.

How he took my friend away to England;

how he made her a wealthy woman

and a widow in one evening.

How her brown eyes lost their laughter—their color, gone.

How I love him

and now I’m pissed!

And I can only yell at the air:

FUCK YOU, JOE!

No. . .

that’s not right.

Fuck Covid,

Fuck depression!

and

FUCK SUICIDE!!!

Wes had brown eyes too. . .

and a shotgun that didn’t miss.

(SMH)

Everyone wants to talk about mental illness

until we actually talk

about mental illness!

And now,

in one night. . .

because of you,

I've found the courage

to look once again

into a pair of brown eyes.