Breaking Up With An Abuser

Breaking up with an abuser.

They aren’t excuses,

It's empathy. It is.

I understand your point of view. I get it. We’re both learning.

When he apologizes, it suddenly feels undeserved,

but that feeling is my fault too,

because I need help.

I need to talk to someone about my mental illness because he can only understand so much,

and saying he understands feels like too much of an apology for my panic attack,

when my lips stop working and I can no longer feel my face.

It’s not talked about after,

not talked about, how he asks if I need an ambulance, and I said I don’t know.

It’s not talked about,

because he apologizes for raising his voice, and continues to gently toss the same questions that triggered it in the first place.

The same questions that don’t have an answer: how could you do that to me? How do you think that makes me feel?

But in a gentle voice. A soothing tone. Something that replicates empathy.

I tiptoe around what to say in arguments because he doesn’t want apologies,

He wants change.

He says that often.

My intuition is mocked,

and my ability to read someone is made into an illusion.

Words are so powerful.

I am a liar,

I am crazy,

How could I make that out of what he said?

How couldn’t I see his intentions?

How could I ever say the word, calculated, to his face?

Apologies trigger him, but explanations don’t go anywhere because it’s always my fault.

But maybe they are excuses.

Maybe I make excuses for my needs.

Is it not working or is there just something wrong with me?

Something needs to be fixed; but I can’t seem to fix it.

So I tell him it’s not working, but he won’t leave my house.

He slams his fist on the table and screams at me, he tells me he’s done his best, his end doesn’t need changing,

but I cannot tell him what I hear, because

it’s never what he’s saying;

I’m always hearing it wrong.

I will always be wrong, no matter how long I take to calculate my response, it will always be wrong.

He points out my flaws and then tells me he sleeps okay after our fights because that’s what relationships are.

He chooses to say these words when I try to end it.

That he sleeps okay when I cry. He makes it very clear that I don’t have that power over him; to ever ruin his day.

He says, you had the opportunity a week ago, how could you do this to me? Why drag it on?

I’m a liar, I’m a liar.

He doesn’t say those words but he slams his fist into the table again, and I shake because I haven’t eaten,

but it’s my fault because I am my own responsibility and

he takes care of me he takes care of me he takes care of me he takes care of me

he takes care of me he takes care of me.

Fuck.

I still smell him on my pillows, we were going to make Christmas plans, is there ever a right time? Am I a liar?

My empathy is a flaw; it’s a flaw, it's a flaw, it's a flaw, it makes me weak, it makes me flutter like a wing, it makes me duck under him, it makes me rely on it, it’s my fault. I have the ability to be stronger but instead I stop breathing?

Instead I wake up the neighbours, on my knees, in the hallway?

Everything he says is true.

But why am I confused?

Why am I confused?

It’s so easy to forget how things used to feel.

It’s so easy.

It’s so easy.

It’s so easy.

It’s so easy

It’s so easy.

It’s so easy.

And yet I’m still afraid to show these words to the people I love because what if

What if

What if

What if

What if

What if

What if

What if what if what if what if what if what if he has a revelation, we are both so young.

He always says “okay” just the way I want to hear it when I want to hear it.

He always says I have so much potential,

and it makes me mad,

but then I question myself,

because I am holding myself back, and he’s only saying what’s true.

Am I destined to this forever.

This winter feels long.