Blue

Content warning: Self Harm

The Poem:

Crimson spiral staircases coagulate

Clustering stairs upon stairs upon stairs

Deeper and deeper, dissecting my fate

caressing me as I wilt ‘gainst my chair

Slam into each step as it stiffens below

I finally land in its sweet embrace

Cracking my head, Split my elbow,

The sickly sweet consuming my face

The world above gets choked to a chink

By the red congesting my view, I descend

through the liquid drops that form, I sink

through the watery whispering world, I land

Its depths confine me down to the black

I sacrifice control and Cut loose

I spurn fight, don’t claw my way back

Up to the surface, choosing in lieu

to stay my breath, encourage my lungs

To crave the sensation, to fill to the brim,

To insufflate trickles spill from my tongue,

With the crimson drops that fall from my skin

The Explanation:

The idea behind this poem started with more of a rationalization than an explanation. The visual of the spiral staircase was a vivid image in my mind as I scribbled the first draft out, but it came from a desire to explore, not explain. It wasn’t until all of the words were out of my system that I saw where the violent tumble down the staircase came from. Allow me to briefly lead you through my mind.

For years, I’ve maneuvered through anxiety and depression. This has enabled me to explore each new and terrifying thought. This poem was an exploration into what would happen were I to dive headfirst into my darkest moments. It allowed me to reach the bottom, survive the physical pain, and see that depression-driven desires weren’t the solution, it didn’t bring me peace.

My use of repeating sounds and letters such as “crimson spiral staircases coagulate”, “insufflate” or “choked to a chink” convey the blend of jarring punches and forboding hissing and whispering. The fear felt in each moment of the poem was born of these feelings; intimidating at first, but then almost comforting, relaxed.

It’s important for everyone to push past fear and explore possibilities, instead of simply believing whatever idea or thought comes to mind. Remember to let yourself question and consider, and from there decide whether your fear should be allowed to stay.