Being adoptive whilst thinking about it when your 20

When I say I have an aptitude for emotions, what I mean is that I can divulge deep into my pessimistic outlooks.

Although when I am depressed I am often not in the mood for anything, and that includes thinking. My thinking is obsolete, as I have no stimulation going on other than mindlessly watching a show I have scheduled for myself to binge. Sometimes I read as I have simultaneously set a goal for myself to educate my mind a little more to feel stimulated. It feels ridiculous to trap yourself in a room sometimes, but this is a normal thing for me as I have felt this way since I was seven. I had a brain test of some sort once and they diagnosed me with some sort of disorder where I do not metabolize serotonin like the rest of the world. I sincerely and utterly will always blame it on my birth mom.

I feel like the only blatant cause of my metabolic deficiencies is my birth mom as when I was living with her, in her, and living off of her - she did drugs. She did so many drugs.

Thanks for that mom!

I day dream about her sometimes, but it is more like a day-nightmare. She is everything I dread, but I crave an emotional bond that will fix me. Despite her being on drugs I know if I saw my birth mom on a train I would recognize her as I lived in her.

The tears that slide down my cheeks plummet onto the covers that I so relentlessly and sometimes restlessly lie on are tears that she made for me as she was the creator of me. I want to meet my creator, but she never wanted me. I know that subconsciously or consciously she still loves, loved, or is loving me.

My adoptive mother is dead. She loved me more than this world could describe, and it was hard for me to love her back. I remember when I was about 14 I told her I didn't love her - and she was so confused, and so was I. Now that I look back at it, it feels like it was because at such a young age I developed a primal wound while loosing my biological mother. Primal wounds are not something a daughter, a son, or anyone should be ashamed of. A primal wound is indicative of the love lost and the love that is being begged for.