Because My Father Said No

The miles ahead I’ve gone, quite far to turn around. I take no moment to be one of regret. Forward I face to the mountains of miles to trek from the baby of my years. 19 years alone, surrounded by ghosts, empty shells, each neglected in their homes returning their misery unto me, my family are distinguished hope.

I was once gay at the glance of masculine figures, his absence abused me in the endless search for masculinity. My father fed me to the wolves of neglect and left me wounded in abandonment. Injured in my making, repressed rage overshadows the genuineness, at times it falls unnoticed in my weathered mind. Such impulsivity of them to bring a lost child into creativity, that poetry became his medicine to their carelessness. I desired men, followed them, and was satisfied as they chased me.

Attraction formed not of love but attachment to the absence of it. Opposing the infidelity of mother nature. I had sex with my pain, searching for fulfilment in the missing masculinity that structured me. Not because my heart said yes. Because my father said no. To the blindness and intimidation of my absent father; I drowned in the compulsion in the act of believing to be gay. But I now see, that I couldn’t find my Dad in others except me.

~ H a y t h a m T r u e h e a r t