asthenia: emptied out

looking through your old things, its hard to explain, the nostalgia I feel, intensely

for something I didn't know, didn't feel

The memories aren't mine

but I feel them so deeply
why did I dream you had passed? Is it because we didn't have a real communication that didn't know what it needed, wanted, felt? My cousin, do I need to stop forgetting to remember you?

I know the weight of my exhausted mind was collapsed

Collecting dots of rain on a window pane

Meshing the paint, mashing your pain

Collection of the worst things,

Is coming back to Saint Louis

Like reducing, diving into the too deep well, reducing into a flat paradise that seems so immense

The most sweetheart memory of such a terrible youth, rich and full of life, full of potato latkes & salt & loss

Love that dreamed of more than it could be

I'm emptied out

Moving forward or back, it feels like hell

I'm emptied out with a full heart

The deepest despair, all the most expensive sort of love, it costs more than I have yet I want it for you,

For everyone and anyone and no one

The loss feels like a overripe gland, full of tension and all the colors of the universe, leaking, smoking like a hot river in the mid-day heat

The sun beating down, pulsing, hating, roasting

I'm
Emptied

Out