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An Impatient Heart (Um Coração Impaciente)

by Adam Khamis 3 years ago in performance poetry

Listen to the Sound of Anxiety

Sometimes it drowns me. This is why I don't trust boats.

The sun’s waking brings that odious sound to my ears,

Calm but loud...

As my heart wakes up, so do my greatest fears

(Here we go again)

Looking at my first meal, it’s not enough

Sleeping hours are never enough

Encumbered in textbooks because studying is never enough

A's and 4.0s aren’t nearly enough

Graduating isn’t close to enough

My value isn’t high enough until I earn that piece of paper

It’s not enough to be afraid of corporate chains

The dreaded days of spawning spreadsheets until I can’t Excel anymore

Fearing the hours of prepping presentations until I lack the power to point out the exit

Cowering from the minute the system becomes my defining core

(Stop beating so hard, dammit)

Scrolling through my phone, flipping through apparels

Because one’s never enough

shifting trends ensure we never keep up

fluorescent panels and money whisperers saying I’ll never have enough

yet they remain huffing and puffing because reality is not enough

Sipping and gurgling because reality is too tough

Witness!

The culminating effect of strong forty percent spirits breaking hopeful zero percent spirits

I’m still praying to someone, but that’s not enough

I keep paying the church

As my pastor keeps yelling “it’s not enough brothers and sisters!”

“Tekimala baganda bange!”

It’s not enough for my new Mercedes

It’s not enough to pay my children’s never-ending fees

(Slow down. My chest hurts.)

The people keep screaming because enough is enough

But the authority remains taking because our fear wasn’t enough

For God and my country has lost it’s power

With the flag’s colors spilling into each other:

Yellow strokes drowning black with heavy shades of red

A master stroke from an artist who paints change with lead

Then parades his masterpiece to the East in search of the highest bidder

As his pockets get thicker,

Like a leaf plucked from the dry heat of winter

Our wallets fall and dry out then slowly start to wither.

(I can't breathe)

A poetic revolution might not be enough

If our eyes remain shut from gas canisters.

Stealing our tears will never be enough

When the truth and change will have you hushed.

Stealing our tears will never be enough

When our biggest concern shifts to debt from road dust.

Stealing our tears will never be enough

When stepping up will have you thrust

From a misplaced trust in authority

to nothing but a dull blade in the diffused majority

Caught in this entangled web of deceit

Mangled in slivers of anxiety

In search of that golden ticket

But being a square like everyone is not enough

So you morph into a circle repeating the same vicious cycles

to never change shape again.

Repeat and recycle could never be enough.

Staying cautious is not enough.

Hospitals and radiation were not enough...

(This pain... it feels good.)

Working hard will have you undone

Single mothers working hard to raise their sons

Because they know we’re the gifted ones prophesied to bring back their youthful laughter.

(Settle down)

E eu a realizar que (And I noticed)

Talvez eu nao sou sufficiente para ti (Maybe I'm not enough for you)

Quando eu nem sei o que é suficiente para mim. (When I don't know what's enough for me)

My greatest mistake was trying to blend in

Sweet and sour flowers couldn’t calm this rugged soul

Because it’s heavy,

(Breathe..)

The anxious heart patter

Beating through chests

Coated with currency and shrouded in social mechanics

Hiding the fact that it’s love they’re chasing after

Arms out hoping you can reach

But all I hear is your solemn rattle hissing,

Twisting,

My heart like a deadly knot,

So now I’m caught between running through eight worlds like a Mario brother

Level by level,

Jumping and ducking through trouble and infinite puzzles in search of that significant other

Pressing restart at game over instead of pressing cancel

knowing damn well she’s always hiding another castle.

Lord knows I’ve never been a fighter

But it’s enough knowing that without me, your smile burns even brighter

(Fast, beats the heart of a liar.)

I’ll keep on smiling, only this time even wider

Because I’ve seen the angel that makes my heart beat a little lighter

Who knew that eight worlds and those eight words never meant happily forever after

Misery in a life of a happily never after

Searching for a meaning that’s true

In the end, doesn’t matter

Until you feel your heart patter with exuberant bliss

Knowing that you’re enough for you.

The same you who smiled in the face of disaster

(Yes, he did)

The you who beat death in a staring contest

(Yes, I did)

The outrageous you who said “no I’m going to be different”

(Yes, she did)

The splash of color you, washed in a sea of grey matter

(Forever standing out like a sore pimple)

The unchangeable you waiting to be painted like a brand-new canvas

(I'll paint my own picture)

The grounded you who keeps rising

Forever anxious.

performance poetry
Adam Khamis
Adam Khamis
Read next: La Luna
Adam Khamis

A truth speaker, a thought changer, change provoker. A poet, artist & entrepreneur building a new mindset for those searching for one.

Instagram: ikifar_

Wake Up: Thoughts From An African Mind Liberated: https://amzn.to/2AtlPSc

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