Am I Not Worthy?

Am I not worthy?

Am I not attractive?

Do I give up and accept the old life?

The life of depression within my supposed to be romantic relationship.

I'm numb again.

I want to cry but I can't.

I'm crying on the inside.

I'm screaming what's wrong with me.

I give him his number 1 all the time.

Why can't he give me mine?

Why does he forget?

Would he remember if it were someone else?

I don't want to keep reminding him that he needs to love me a certain way...it's been more than 5 years and this still happens...

Maybe he just doesn't want to.

Do I just accept that and feel no light?

No spark?

No joy of the love I really want to feel?

That's all I want.

I want that certain love.

I need that certain love to be able to stay.

That's all I ever wanted my entire life.

Maybe I ask for too much...

Do I?

He says I don't.

But...

What if that's why he doesn't love me the way I ask.

Or...I'm just not lovable in the way I crave.

Want.

Need.

This hurts.

So much.

It makes me want to leave.

Or not exist...

Do I have faith?

Yes and no.

It's hard to feel the yes

The no over powers because of history...

I'll live the life of crying myself to sleep.

Again.

Why am I not worthy of being loved the way I know I need?

Why?