A Widow’s Christmas

Of all the things I thought I would be

Widow was not one of them

They’re old and wear black

That’s not me, not one of them

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Our lives came together, on a hot Christmas day

Amongst friends, a meal, laughter and cheer

We talked for hours and shared our loves

For our kids, our family, friendships, far and near

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Our kids would giggle as only tweens can do

Singing those two up there sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g

But hours on the phone and time spent together

We could not bring ourselves to say we were we

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We finally announced that we were a couple

To family and friends and those in the know

To be met with a simple

Yes, we know

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We did things and travelled places

Bought a farm, some cows and a pig

But things were not well, we could tell

But things could be overcome, except not this big

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Our lives became about cancer you see

About disease and treatment

Folfox, leviteracetam, capecetabine

Clonazepam, naproxen, enoxaparin

Neuropathy, incontinence

And the all prevailing fear

All that nearly has me spent

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The fear that takes you body and soul

To cradle a grown man sobbing

Not one, not twice but nightly now

He cannot see mine

Not my fear or my tears

Till they burst

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My biggest fear, I’d kept right inside

He was dying and I could not add to that

My biggest fear was not being alone

Was not managing the farm

Was not attending the arrangements

My biggest fear was waking up

Next to a dead man

Next to him, my love…. As a dead man

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He called an ambulance because of the pain

I met it at the hospital

No pulses to his legs and oxygen down to 79%

We cannot help you any more

Palliative care, palliative care, palliative care

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I rallied his family

We all said goodbye

Three weeks before his 45th birthday

He was gone, dead

The cancer had won

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I went home with his things

The things that were his but now weren’t

I cried at his underwear

No point washing them

No point

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I made a coffee and pulled out two cups

I crumpled in a heap on the floor

The second cup, that damned second cup

Would never be needed, not anymore

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Forever moments, that’s what they are

When the mind, the soul, the body

Comprehend the incomprehensible

And you know with all your being

That they are dead, and it is forever

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What happens in a body to cause such pain

Forever moments,

The excruciating pain of forever moments

The doctor called it a heart attack

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Christmas…… The first Christmas

Horrible, reflective, sad, consuming

Alone in company, smiling only with your face

Did I say horrible yet

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The second Christmas is worse

The foreverness is cemented

This is how Christmas will be

Alone in company, smiling only with your face

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Other widows would commemorate

An empty chair, balloons in the the air, even a hat on the tree

Or they would just steal their way through the day

A day full of joy…. That was for others

The day can get fucked, it’s not full of joy

Merry Christmas, ho ho fucking ho

No cheer, no delight, no warmth

Because someone is dead in the ground and that is forever

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Six Christmasses later and it is full of joy

Full of family and friends and presents and cheer

With reflection that now doesn’t bring me to tears

Instead, there’s a smile, a big cheesey grin

Of that very first Christmas

Where he made us both swim

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Now I can say that I am a widow

But not in black or even a pitiful sorrow

I am a widow who is making her mark

To live what is so very, very short

And none of us can say

That there will be tomorrow

🌺

Widows are not all old

Widows do not all wear black

Widows do not always cry

Widows do not move on

Widows move forwards

Widows are strong

Widows have a sole comprehension about life

~And about death

🌺

Of all the things I thought I would be

Widow was not one of them

But call a rose by any other name

I am, one of them

Thank you for reading, if you are widowed, however old you are, please be kind to yourself. There are no rules on this road of horrible. But it does get better xx