A Teenage Love

"crush"

Oh, why can’t I stop thinking about you?

You see, darling, you never leave my mind.

I should be honest, this is nothing new,

But why can’t my cold heart ever be kind?

Instead of it always attaching me

To these things, inanimate or living.

It seems without fail, I can’t even breathe

Without any kind of love conniving.

Is this something genuine or passing?

I don’t want to have to wait it all out.

It’s always you I wish I was chasing

Instead of the answers the world won’t shout.

I can’t see why you have this hold on me

Even though without you, oh I was only

A heart glowing with the pain of the past

Faintly beating and on the cusp of death

Waiting for the day it would durn to ash

Becoming weaker with each single breath.

Somehow, you brought warmth into all my veins

And became the reason I wake each morn.

Oh, my sweet, you live inside of my brain.

It seems I’ve stuck my finger on a thorn.

For its in your imaginary arms

I rest in to fall asleep every night

Acting like I can hear your heartbeat calms

My mind that’s typically in such a fright.

I so badly don’t want this to be true

But I hate that I’m still falling for you.

"denial"

The clock strikes again, and yet here I am

Waiting for all my love to disappear.

I try to stop, but with you my heart stands.

With tick after tock and tear after tear.

The light is dimming and I’m wearing thin

But I will still keep the candle burning.

I pour into you from my flame within

While the storm inside keeps ever-churning.

My heart is filling up with your poison.

The gears that keep me alive start to still

But my mask of joy is painted golden.

Somehow you warm my heart despite your chill.

And through all this hate, through all of my pain,

I yell and scream all the thoughts in my brain.

I lashed out and made it all about me,

Please know that I hated every second

But I still owe you an apology

It doesn’t matter if I felt threatened.

The way that I feel is irrelevant.

Instead of contributing, I freaked out.

What happened was, at best, inelegant.

In the future I hope you won’t doubt.

I don’t want to shout above the clamor

To tell you all of my thoughts and ideas.

I don’t think they’ll be coated with glamor.

My pain, it only ever increases.

I can’t form a coherent thought near you

So, just maybe, this might be your fault too.

Maybe I just want someone that I can blame.

With you, well, it’s just easier that way.

It could be that I’m just covered in shame

And it just wanted to come out today.

I keep looking for an explanation.

I can’t find out why I acted like that.

And I’m the worst at communication

I hated our form of verbal combat.

Oh, you may have already forgotten

But you see, what happened in class today

It left my beating heart quite downtrodden.

And if you don’t forgive me, it’s okay.

Our brief interactions make me believe

That my pain wouldn’t even make you grieve.

"bargaining"

If my misery helps make you happy,

Then I’ll gladly be your darling jester.

Oh, if my suffering makes you want me

I’ll let every one of my wounds fester.

They can’t see why I let you keep me close

Or why I let myself be your puppet.

It’s not being in your arms that hurts the most,

It’s knowing you love to see me covet.

I love when you call me your “mon cherie”

But the fire in your heart isn’t mine.

It’s her you’re constantly making merry

But the way you melt my ice, it’s divine.

You melt all the walls I’ve built up for years

Only to burn my heartstrings with my fears.

Yet through all this pain, I find drive for life

I shoot up with heartbreak and what hurts me

And some part of me loves all of this strife

If you like my pain, it makes me happy.

You must be a snake to have such venom

You’re poison and don’t care that I love you

And yet your comfort is second to none

The way you love her splits my heart in two.

Darling, you’re the heroin in my veins

And with you I will never need cocaine.

Soon all I’ll be is a pile of remains

Maybe that would be better than this pain.

This heartache seems to give me some healing

Twisting all this is my form of dealing

With the fact that the fall didn’t kill me

But rather the impact of your absence.

It is better this way, to a degree.

I suppose we may have had something, once.

I pretended it wasn’t happening

That I didn’t find new life in your eyes

Only you kept me from unraveling

Oh, sweetheart, I worked so hard to disguise

The way you made me feel loved, happy

And how you so willingly trusted me

How you simultaneously trapped me

You dug and shoved me into a valley.

Somehow death feels less toxic than your touch

I guess there’s a reason it’s called a crush.

"anger"

Tell me what you’re doing to torture me

I can’t break away, even if I try

What steel chains have you made that I can’t see?

I will stay though you make me want to die.

Maybe there’s a willingness in my pain

A sadism in my masochism

And maybe there’s something wrong with my brain

So I can’t take my own pacifism.

I’m tethered to you, I’m over your knee

I don’t know if I still want to survive.

It doesn’t matter how much you hurt me

Because darling, you make me feel alive.

But maybe over time, I’ll finally heal

And you won’t be able to make me kneel.

Oh, won’t you tell me, my darling lover,

Did you enjoy all of my suffering?

Did you have fun in this hellish summer?

Seeing my pain with no recovering?

You were the mastermind behind all this

So what happened to the you that was kind?

Did I imagine him, just like our kiss?

Or do you just love making me feel blind?

I don’t think I could ever recover.

Aren’t you tired of all this hatred,

Hatred that fuels cruelty to another?

Are you happy with pain you’ve created?

Are you not exhausted form all this hell?

I refuse to believe that you’re doing well.

You orchestrate all of my misery

Yet somehow I let you tear me apart

Piece by piece, you’re ripping away at me.

I’m still giving you access to my heart.

What’s one drop in the cup overflowing?

It’s nothing, you see, I’ve been left for dead.

One more attack on a crop not growing?

It has not impact, no mark in its stead.

Somewhere deep down, I do hope you’re happy

Because I don’t think I ever will be.

After everything you did to me

I still remain your loyal devotee.

Maybe one day I can look back on this

And not fall deeper into an abyss.

"acceptance"

A littler me never would have known

She was lying when she said, “I love you”

To anyone before you she outgrew

Without any sort of hope to pursue

All of the boys that used to have my heart

Only had a small part compared to you.

I gave it to you, you tore it apart

Leaving me with everything to undo.

Oh, my darling, you killed the little dove

That had signified my peace of mind

I’d do anything for my last first love

It seems our fates, they have been intertwined

I know that I should say goodbye to you

Maybe I’ll just get a matching tattoo.