A Lifetime

First, it's warmth

Blind, deaf, but its warm

It's warm all around me

Then I taste

Fluid rushed into my mouth. It's sweet. It's viscous, thick, but watery.

Its warmth surrounds me.

I hear. First, I felt it through my skin, but now I hear it. It's audible to me.

Steady, rhythmic, calm, many a time to sleep I am lulled.

Then one day, it's no longer what it once was.

It keeps getting faster and faster and faster.

Nervousness, Fear, Afraid, Scared, Panic

It all sets in.

Soon, there's movement. There's pressure. It's painful. It's tight. It's compressing me all over until

Light

Cold

The first time I'm no longer warm.

It greets me.

There's no longer fluid in my lungs, as I cough and spit. My eyes remain shut, yet it's not the same comforting darkness that I'm used to. I will never experience that comfort again.

I'm touched.

Held

Moved around in this whipping coldness, until I'm brought to something.

To Someone

Her

Her skin, it's warm. Underneath this thing, it's warm, Her breath, her rhythm, its warm. She's all warm.

The pain, the induced trauma subsides.

The quiet in the dark no longer exists. The quiet is replaced with loud.

She's here.

She's still here.

My belly cramps.

It hurts. It's discomforting. It's painful.

Pain like this, I've never felt before.

Tears flow freely, dripping down my chin.

Without thinking, she moves.

Soft, supple, small bumps even

An oily sensation coats my mouth, followed by warmth.

Warmth flow from her to me.

Watery at first, then it's thick.

My breath smooths. My pain begins to subside. Her rhythm once again soothes me to sleep.

*

The lake's water glimmers like tiny diamonds as the water shifts.

The weeds sway in the wind. Frogs croak from the lily pads.

Dad's teaching me to fish.

I carried a heavy Styrofoam bucket that reeks of muck.

Holding my fishing pole, he instructs me to grab one from the bucket.

Lifting the lid, I force my hand into the cold water.

Small, scaly, slippery, their heads and fins hit my fingers, darting in all directions.

What takes half a minute seems like an hour as I finally clasp a minnow along the side of the bucket.

"Now, put it on the hook. Make it quick."

Placing the sharp, cold, metallic hook in my other hand, I look down at the gaping mouth of the fish.

Tiny, suffocating, and about to experience even more pain.

Sadness grows within my heart as I put the hook underneath its mouth and out through the top of its head.

It's small, but the slime covers my hand, covered in stench, but the most gut wrenching smell was the blood that poured from its head.

Casting my line, I press the mechanized button, sending it through the air.

The whizzing of the line, and the splash of the bobber tell me all I need to know.

The bait's been set.

In this moment my dad's taught me, "Not all lives are created, nor treated, equally."

*

In the darkness of night, her hands move down the length of my thigh.

Her nails tenderly scape upon my skin.

I've been waiting for this moment my entire life.

Moonlight pours in through the window.

Her eyes greet mine.

The scent of dinner lingers on her breath.

My hand, placed on the small of her, back pulls her in closer.

Using my other thumb, I trace the edges of her lips, smearing her lipstick.

Moving closer together, feeling her heartbeat, her softness, the suppleness of her skin, we embrace each other.

*

She's crushing my hand screaming into my ear.

The lights are as blinding as my first day.

I encourage her. I tell her she's strong. Then my heart begins to swell.

She may be my first love, but a new love of my life has just entered the world.

Squalling, calling out for me, they swaddle her, placing her in my arms.

Healthy as can be, she's perfect, she's beautiful, she's ours.

"Daddy's here," I tell her. She coos herself to sleep.

*

The sun's bright. The day's hot. The park's packed with people.

The neighbor's with us.

She always loves seeing him, he's like the older brother she never had.

He's been with us through thick and thin, and all of her biggest moments so far.

Her baptism, her preschool education, her first tooth for the tooth fairy, he was there for it all.

I head back to the car for a minute, and when I return, I don't see them.

My heart sinks. My stomach churns. My throat dries. I rush about everywhere trying to find them.

I check the parking lot. His car's still here. There's no one in it.

"No..."

Adrenaline fills me, I run to the building at the park's edge. Pushing on the door, it's locked.

After the third slam my shoulder dislocates. After the fifth the lock bends. The door swings open on the seventh.

I hear it. I hear them.

Her sobs fill the air, making me cry. His grunts are ragged, turning my hands into fists.

I peel him off her. Placing her behind me, my fists repeatedly meet his head.

He's left bloody and barely breathing as sweat and blood speckles cover me.

I turn to her. I wrap my arms around her. I hold her tight. I tell her I'm sorry. I tell her I should've known better. I tell her it wasn't her fault. I tell her how I've failed her. I promise not to fail her again.

*

The loud knock from the judge's hammer rings out in court over the thickness of the varnished wood's scent.

"Guilty on the charge of attempted murder."

I've been betrayed by our own court system.

*

The glass is cold.

I can see them, but I can't feel them.

Barred from my family.

*

Years have gone by.

Coldness seeps into the concrete.

I perish alone.