A Letter to My First Soul Mate

Dearest Helen,

You always have and will forever be the best thing to ever come out of basic training. No matter my feelings on how I ended up there, I will never regret the experience because it's what gave me you. Our immediate connection could be looked at by some to be trauma bonding, but my hopeless romantic heart believes our attachment was destined and inevitable. Your soft hazel eyes and your curly chestnut hair caught me entirely by surprise, and the first time I saw you hobbling outside on your crutches, I knew I had to at least introduce myself. I did not know the depths my feelings for you would go, nor that we would end up as much more than just best friends. We bonded quickly over our narcissistic mothers and toxic exes. Some of my favorite memories of Med Hold are all the hours spent coloring on the cold tile floor of the rec room, and the many more hours spent outside at the picnic tables venting about our lives to each other.

The day I shipped out to go home was melancholy and full of long, tight hugs because we weren't sure when the next chance would be. Life hit us hard after that, in completely different ways, and we lost touch for what seemed like forever. We kept up with each others lives with Facebook, and I learned pretty quickly that we both used Facebook as a front because we didn't want the busy bodies in our lives to know the real shit we were going through.

It was the early spring of 2016 that we connected on a different level, and I first realized that my feelings for you ran deeper than friendship. That previous October, I had rushed into marriage with a toxic man because his reaction to me being virtually unfaithful was to propose, and I said yes because I didn't want to be alone and I thought that would make me love him. Fast forward a few months and, no surprise, I was still miserable and now I was shackled to him for better or for worse. You being ever observational, reached out and we began texting regularly and talking on the phone when I was home alone during the day. I don't think either one of us had expressed feelings for the other at this point, but I knew I had fallen head over heels for you and was crushing hard. Our friendly conversation took a romantic turn, and that spring was full of hushed late night phone calls and text messages.

When spring began turning to summer, you proposed The Kidnapping.

Things had come to a head with Josh and I was ready to bolt again. You mentioned you were going through Missouri on your way to Texas with your boyfriend, and very seriously told me that you were taking me with you. I jumped at the chance to start over. You picked me up late that night and took me to a motel, and we spent the night together.

While you didn't technically pop my First Girl cherry, you were by far a better experience so I like to think of you as my first. There was a lot of the Devil's Lettuce and booze involved so I don't remember all the details, but I do remember your very nervous "Uhm, so hey can I kiss you?" as we sat on the dingy mattress passing a bottle and a joint back and forth.

The next morning you took me back to my house just long enough for me to pick up my cat, and then we put Conway in our rearview mirror.

That summer, while sprinkled with drama and tension from a shitty part time job and an erratic Andy, was filled with laughter, sunshine and love. I bonded hard with your dad, and some of the best memories I have involve you and me and him. Sitting on the deck, looking up at the stars and drinking too much while your dad told us stories, and sitting in the barren living room before we had furniture and coloring while your dad listened to his Pink album for the tenth time that day. That summer was also when I realized that I was in love with you. Like, anime girl-hearts for eyes, in love with you. Andy I think could sense it, because he became even more erratic and insecure. He didn't want anyone but you, and he didn't want you wanting anyone else but him. I was downgraded from Girlfriend to Roommate, as far as Andy was concerned. He worked a lot, and we got closer to spite him. We started dreaming about running away together. We pictured Washington and a sleepy house full of critters.

And then, in True Ellie fashion, I thought I found The One. You had helped me make an OK! Cupid account some weeks before, and I had gotten matched with Ohio Guy. Ohio Guy was a smooth talker, and I was vulnerable and too trusting. He wasn't conventionally who I would normally be attracted to, but I thought I would give him a chance. So naturally, that meant I had to get on a bus and move up to Ohio to be with him. You had decided to give your relationship with Andy another real shot, and I knew I couldn't sleep on your couch forever, so after a Labor Day trip up to meet him and making sure I wasn't going to be murdered, you gave me your blessing to take a Greyhound out of Texas and up to Ohio. If I had known that I wouldn't get to hug you again for another year and a half after that early morning bus station squeeze, I would have held you so much tighter.

We kept in touch through this new adventure of mine, and you were the first to know when I realized that this situation I found myself in was quickly going nowhere. You blamed yourself, but I was ever thankful of the fact that you are always so supportive of what I thought I wanted to do with my life. And then you were always there to pick up the pieces when it inevitably went to shit. I will always, always love you for that.

I never asked you about it directly, but part of me was always afraid that you were disappointed in me for running from Ohio Guy right back into the arms of the man you had stolen me from. If you were you never said so, you just always let me know you would always be there if I needed you.

I left Ohio in the beginning of 2017; one of my many Fresh Starts. I lasted a whole five months back in Missouri with Josh before I was finally strong enough to give him the Final Boot. You and I went back to really only communicating through likes and comments on Facebook, and looking back on it now that's probably when you were getting one of your many doses of Life.

The summer of 2017 was the beginning of my Golden Era. I shed myself of the toxicity and finally met my Second Soul Mate-Anthony. This man would change my entire life, for the better.

He helped me finalize my divorce to truly free me from Josh. He brought me back to you, because he taught me the importance of constant and regular communication with those that I love. He taught me how to love myself and helped me cut out the truly toxic members of my family. He also opened my eyes to the fact that not everyone has just One True Love. It filled me with so much joy when I found out that I could love both of you equally, and that my two Great Loves also really dug each other and would grow to love each other. The similarities and cohesiveness that we share still boggle my mind. I am thrilled to finally include you in my forever, and wherever it is we end up I know the three of us are going to flourish for the rest of our lives. I'll wrap this up with some Taylor Swift lyrics, in true Us fashion. From Lover:

"My heart's been borrowed and yours has been blue. All's well that ends well to end up with you. Swear to be overdramatic and true, to my lover."

I know I've rambled on some time now, but I wanted to tell our story and let the whole world know just how much I love you and that you mean the absolute world to me. Half of my heart has always and will always belong to you, Helen my love.

Sincerely,

Ellie