A Guy Walks Into a Bar...

The first time I saw him was I was caught off guard

Ending my shift at a part-time summer job

Waiting tables on a Tuesday night

Outside buckets poured from the sky, quiet and dead inside

No money to be made but for reasons unknown, I stayed

He appeared at the bar dark, wavy hair glistening from the rain

Broad shoulders, a simple button-down shirt half-tucked into faded blue jeans

I tried to ignore feelings that were not easily shaken

Because I couldn’t imagine this man was not taken

Wrapping up my evening duties, I let myself dream

Mindlessly rolling silverware and wiping down tables clean

My head was still up in the clouds as I tipped out my bartender

Rounded the corner

And saw him standing there

Should I do what I dare?

Something felt so right I just couldn’t deny

What my heart had to have with one look in his eyes

Like a shot in the dark, unexpected and crippling as his gaze met mine

A warm familiarity perhaps I recognized from another lifetime

Later on, I would learn it's what happens when two broken souls become intertwined

The second time I saw him I was better prepared

For my lip to quiver, knees go weak, completely enamored

Butterflies aren't exactly how I would describe it

Moreover, the trembling that comes from stage fright

Trying to speak, not forgetting to breathe

The restaurant was busy but I had saved him a seat

Made it easy to love me by anticipating his every need

I didn’t realize then what I was creating

A dynamic that continued when we began dating

A relationship I didn’t think I was worthy of

He needed me. Wasn’t that enough?

We were married in Vegas in true shotgun fashion

On another dark stormy evening

Amongst family and friends; our love everlasting

No honeymoon

Our baby was due soon

So I strived to be the woman that he’d always want

And never ever walk away from

Clinging to the faulty assumption as man and wife

Everything would fall into place for a happy life

Red flags didn’t disappear with my new sparkly ring

But I couldn’t put my finger on what might be missing

Until a decade later I heard the term codependency

My relationship problem lay within me

What was this childhood pattern I continued to play out?

A dysfunctional trait deeply rooted in abandonment

Once a skill that helped me stay safe, survive

Hindered my capacity for attachment turning maladaptive

And, actually kept me sick and lost

I had no other option than to change course

Realizing quickly there was much work to do

That was the easy part…

But it was a hell of a lot harder to follow through

Years had reinforced my need to exert control

Because no one would want me if I allowed weakness to show

I ditched myself for the only man that ever made me want to stay

The one becoming more and more handsome day after day

An invisible cord always tethered us together

Now frayed at each end, becoming shorter and shorter

You know the old adage: If you love something let it free?

There was nothing more devastating when he took that opportunity

I stood there helpless like a child whose kite had just flown away

A hole in my soul, tears flowing endlessly over my very own tragedy

In hindsight, it was the best thing he could’ve done

My greatest fear was manifested; It had won

Thus pushing me over the edge into waters unknown

No telling how long I would’ve avoided them and not grown

Beginning therapy the warning rang true

Things will get worse before they get better; they always do

I tried everything possible and it still fell apart

On my knees, I gathered up the pieces of my shattered heart

Only I remained; I had to sit alone

And finally, put my oxygen mask on

Certain laws govern ability

Love given away can never exceed one's amour-propre

Which is the very foundation of connections made

A deficiency in my marriage on full display

We always lacked the wherewithal

I grieved our ending and recommitted to the call

Including granting others the freedom to go as they please

My hardest lesson thus far - resistance impedes

The next time I saw him was with freshly awaken eyes

Same flesh and blood that my children were comprised

An extension of them, therefore still part of me

Each a separate entity, yet bound together as family

Compassion and acceptance without expectation

Leading with love yielded reconciliation

I knew what we had and I knew what I wanted

Not your average rom-com but that’s how it started

Waiting tables at the bar one night

This time can we get it right?

A real-life, unfiltered version of true love at first sight