A Fever Dream

I died. A long time ago. So why do I still crave the pain of the living? I sit lifeless at the edge. The edge of the bed where you first said you loved me. The edge of my seat when I still think you could still save me. The edge of the sea where we first swam together. The edge of desire when you look at where I used to be.

I shout, I scream, but I'm dead, how did I ever expect you to hear me? Your life goes on, you still get to feel the waves and the salty spray. You still get to gaze longingly at that strange horizon and wonder where it ends. The soft notes echoing from the rusted strings of my old guitar for you are just a distant section of the beautiful orchestra you call your past.

For me it's a cacophony, a barn owl that screeches, howls, berates me.

She follows me.

I fumble my way through the wood but I am followed. She leaps from branch to branch, stalking, hunting. Or is she guiding? But I can't stop now. If I stop then the memory will fade. When she stops, when she finds a new prey I will truly be lost, worthless, devoid of all that gave me hope. Feed me to her so that I may be reborn.

Don't expect to understand her, as much as you'd expect a snake to understand the joy of a well fitted pair of shoes.

She comes for us all. For some of us she comes before our hearts stop beating and for some of us she comes long after.

To be forgotten is death, and to be alone is fatal.

But I will keep going. I promised I would.

I will keep pushing through the pine bows. I will keep listening for the beauty in her howling. I hear her. I hear you. You call me. “I need you”.

Could this be that beastly hope? Or a siren sent to deceive me?

No, no it can't be. I hear your heart, that familiar Indian drum, the echo .

The pain? You too?

The owl, she screeches again, I hear her swoop down. I point my toes, I pick up speed. She misses. I am her prey and so she has come for me. I want her to take me, soothe me, give me an end. But my body won't listen, I stumble but race to steady myself, for the blackness gets deeper, I plunge in further.

Here she is again, I can see the fire in her eyes now, they burn to the back of my skull and break my thoughts. Her talons lap at my shoulder, I feel the skin break as she tears away.

I feel. I fall.

Silence.

The drums have stopped, the screeching halts. Suddenly in place of drums are beating wings and one last cry of need nestles soundly to my ear. This time I'm hers. she shreds me, she sinks great claws into velvet flesh. She lifts me. The forest floor grows distant. I am resigned to my fate.

But low, what is this? My cocoon fades and I writhe, my eyes sting for above the impenetrable canopy there is light. A bath of warm honey.

I see now.

I see not just the enchanted green carpet below, but the mountains beyond them and the diamond sea beyond even this. Faster we soar and sail through the treacle sky. The great claws turn to soft fingerprints and the mighty grip to ash. I feel the salty spray.

We land.

I turn.

It's you.