100 Cups of Tea

You think you’re done healing

That wound

Then they enter your heart space

I didn’t give you enough space

On paper

For how much space you occupy

In my heart -You found me

You learn

You are stronger

But the love for them

Still lives there

Inside you

And not just that

But you don’t want it to go away

Is it meant to stay?

Or does more healing need to be done?

Is it meant to be?

It’s about time for love to be fun -Lighten up

And where are you?

Why are you hiding?

I came to see you

How can I tell you?

I want you

If you are not there

Or maybe you just like watching

From afar -I’m sorry I missed you

I know hearts can be easily broken

So, we need to step carefully

But I’m tired of games

I like my love

Straightforward

Look me in the eyes and tell me

Kind of love -A shot of honest

Who knows what will happen now?

I thought I was sure

I’m not sure

Would you want to be with someone?

Who was not sure?

Would I?

Do we need to be sure in love?

I have love in my heart

For both of them

It wants to live there -My imaginary dilemma?

I don’t see anyone else

Not yet

Maybe never -Your scent

I need someone I can trust

I need to trust myself -Fuck up

I’m scared

But I’m excited

I thought

This book was over

But now

I realize it’s not

There were more poems

That wanted to be

Written

It wasn’t an end

It’s a transition

So, I’ll drink more

Cups of tea

Glasses of wine

Cheers to myself

I’ll dream about you

And me

But

I’m moving on

With or without you

I told the world this

Not too far back

Man, or no man

Not just any man

I got help

I did the work

I will keep doing it

Because I’m worth it -What it comes down to

Whether you see it or not

Whether you want me or not

Whether you love me or not -Going up

Did anything change?

Will it only be me?

Letting go of the fantasies

Putting this dream aside for now

Maybe just time

Maybe new people

Or just speaking up

Just asking questions

I’m too afraid to ask

Can’t we just meet in the middle?

Stop pretending? -Surprise me

I smile at the couples

But it’s hard

I smile at the dads

But it’s hard

Why is this our path?

Would the answer make it any easier?

Why do I feel like I have to prove myself?

Be more

Do more

I know there are learnings meant for me

It doesn’t mean I don’t hate it sometimes -This really sucks sometimes

When I find myself looking for you

Almost desperately

I hate that about myself

But why?

Can’t I honor it?

To feel how I feel

To want what I want

To dream what I dream

Because it feels like it was put in my heart for a reason

Other than pain -Heart truths

It’s been a long time since I’ve been kissed

Since I’ve been touched or held

Been naked with

Even though I’ve been naked with my heart

A date

Asked out

KNEW someone was interested in ME

This makes me cry

I’m embarrassed to say

And it feels like something is wrong with me

These are the words, questions, and tears on my heart

They are crying even when I’m not

They form compassion for others

Create guilt

Because aren’t there more important things to be thinking about

And not everyone gets to be with someone they want

Some people are barely surviving now

So why do my hearts desires matter?

And what if I don’t want them to be just a mask for a deeper need

What if I just want it to be easy for me to have the partner and dad for my kids that I want?

Can’t I choose that? -Hello Universe?

I choose that

This is my fucking life!

I would want any women to go for her dreams

I can trade in the exact details

I don’t have to know everything now

I can be curious

About the how, when, who, why, and what?

But I decide I can have my dream

How will this book end? -Seconds, hours, days, and weeks