You.

Alright, so we are quite a few months into this pandemic or global shutdown, and it's about time we started talking about how to get back out there? Or not? Has anyone else felt this was a purgatory of some sort, anyone? Like hey, you can't work, but for some reason bills are still due, oh and all your favorite stores are having sales so they can stay open...yeah not good on my pocketbook. Ha, I don't have a pocketbook. My credit card has done more work than me in the past couple of months. Jokes, I have been getting my ass kicked at work. That's right, in healthcare. I love my job; let's not get that twisted. I LOVE my job almost a little too much. Like I wake up feeling blessed, I get to work. Is that a result of synthesizing trauma in my life, and now I'm able to feel joy again? I'm not sure. Regardless I think one thing is for certain in a SUPER uncertain age, it's all how you look at it, right?

I'm assuming if you are reading this paper, you have all of Maslow's basic needs accounted for, that being food, water, and shelter. The love and self-actualization are pending; you're still doing much better than most. *imaginary top hat to you* Just maybe during this time you have had time to slow down and take a long in-depth look in the mirror. You know the one when you're washing your face, and you avoid making eye contact with yourself as you dry your face with the towel. Sneaking glances at the one stray grey hair on your head. Yeah, one day though it's different, you put the towel down. You look straight into your own eyes, when did those wrinkles get there you think. Your inner voice is harsh and accusatory. You notice that you haven't actually looked at yourself in a long time. Your mouth is being pulled toward the Earth in a frown that feels heavy. You haven't actually had a second to breathe in a while. Then you do it; you breathe in for a whole three seconds. Next, you want to time how long you can hold your breath underwater, what? No, that's just me.

Anyways there you are staring, and you start to touch your face wondering if it is your face. You look around at all the shit on your counter and vaguely realize you use none of it. You also feel a slight tinge of regret at the wasted moments and money on items you never even look at. You feel down your neck and feel your pulse. Is that part the carotid or the jugular? You don't know; hint depends on where you're touching. You realize that your heart is continuously beating even if you forget about it. You know you're still breathing even though you haven't actively thought about it in a moment. You take in the wonder of your body, and how every cell is actively doing its molecular job to keep you going. You try to remember the last time you drank water, and you can't even remember. Cue: more guilt.

Finally, you are staring back into your eyes. They have more color than you realize, is that a speck of gold? Your inner voice is softer this time looking at you. You nearly smile at the scar above your left eyebrow, the scar from when you decided to dive headfirst into the pool on a dare; you remember that? You were so small, so full of life. You wonder where that feeling has gone to. Your inner voice is softer, kinder. You see the stray grey hair, and instead of panic, you realize it's time. It's a gift. The reminder that we don't stay young, that we do grow. That we are lucky to change and take our bodies with us. The slight frown you've been wearing for longer than tonight suddenly is pulling less down. Instead, it almost starts to turn up. You're looking at your freckles and sunspots. You're looking at your randomly placed hairs, and you laugh. It's a small squeak. You almost wonder if it actually came from you. You put your hand over your mouth quickly and look around more rapidly. It was you. Then you can't help it; you are laughing so loud, you hear the young you. You, that believed in magic and love. You, that didn't focus so much on tomorrow but instead was here, now. You smile one more time at yourself. You feel content.

Tonight I hope you take that moment to laugh, to shrug it off, and enjoy yourself a little bit more. As I say to my daughter every day and every night: you are strong, you are smart, you are cute, and you are important. I hope you say that to yourself too.