You Before Me

To my fellow struggling angels.

You know who you are, the one who helps others out simply because it feels like you should do it or that it’s the right thing. You don’t do it for the gratitude of others, or their thanks and you don’t want anything from them, although your efforts being noticed is always nice. You’re those people others call selfless or angels, because you are always their when someone needs you.

But being there for others and supporting them isn’t always the best thing to do. It can actually come at a great cost to ourselves, even if we don’t notice it. We angels often make great personal sacrifices.

Personally, I hate being referred to as an angel, it makes me feel self-conscious and doubt myself. I mean, I just go ahead and do something that I consider to be a normal thing and then someone goes and makes this big deal about it and I start to wonder, ‘Should I really be doing this?’ or I think ‘But this is just normal right? Something that anyone would do.’ Their gratitude can make me feel very small.

For me putting others first has become a rather deeply engraved instinct. It started out with small things around the time I was in the sixth grade, my youngest sister was born and to make things easier on my parents and not give them any unnecessary trouble I started to do two things, the first was rather harmless on its own and I enjoyed, I would help look after my little sister, something I’m sure any other big sister would do. It was the second one that was dangerous, I stopped asking for help and eventually I stopped talking about my troubles.

Now I know, you want to know what that has to do with the troubles of putting others first, well you see, this simple desire to help others out began to change how I saw myself. It was here that my mentality started to devalue myself. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t and don’t think of myself as worthless or unnecessary or have any other suicidal or borderline suicidal thoughts. I just started to believe myself to be less important than others and that is something that took me years to realise.

You see, I always grew up loved and well supported, I had family and teachers who believed in me and my potential. And I never doubted whether, or not I could do something. But over the years I started to think that others could do better or needed it more.

Maybe I would have been fine, and it would not have affected me so much to create such a belief. But in the next few years after my youngest sisters birth a couple things happened to which I responded by putting them first.

Honestly it was probably only three things, all which happened during my remaining 6 years of school. The first was my Grandfather being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and my parents taking him in. Now, he obviously need support and looking after, although I had no idea how do this and left it to my Mum. I did however try bother her as little as possible, I mean my petty problems weren’t so important that I needed to give her any more trouble. I could deal with it on my own and I still had my dad to talk to when necessary. At least, that was what I told myself. Then came the second issue, my sister become a troubled teen. I know, this might seem like a normal little thing, but her constant drama caused my parents enough trouble and stress, they didn’t need mine as well and her she really needed their help and support. Heh, what a naïve little thought that was. It was by this point that I truly started to but others before myself to the cost of myself. If I only realised back then that as troubled as my sister was and stressed as parents were and insignificant as my problems were, I need help and support too, I couldn’t do it all alone. Now by this point I was in far deeper than I realised, and I had withdrawn myself more than ever as I couldn’t handle my sister’s drama and tried to stay out of the way. Then my mums’ depressions hit rock bottom. In the last years of high school, I started to not only stay out of the way but tried to support my parents whilst continuing to suppress my own concerns and problems, probably more than ever before.

And so, during these years I forgot how to ask for help or share my problems, thinking back now I think at some point I forgot how to even want something for no other reason than I liked it, except perhaps my books as I always loved the escape I found in reading. I had devalued myself without ever realising it and wasn’t sure what I was doing or what I wanted. It was only when helping someone that I felt grounded, needed. I not only believed that others were more important than me, but I relied on others need for help to find a purpose for myself.

Anyway, that was how my instinct to put others first developed. Not that it was an entirely negative thing, if I had just been able to preserve my sense of worth then things would have been fine. I still enjoy helping others and take pride in the help and support I have given others.

But enough of that, let us discuss the experiences it has brought me and why they came at a cost. To do this I think there is just one experience that truly fits, and, in a way, it is the time in my life that I feel most proud of. It started a couple years after I finish school. A five-year-old little boy came into my life or should say back. His name was Peter and he was the one of six kids and the son of my mums’ best friend.

I remember my mum coming to home one day shortly before Christmas and telling me that Peter had requested that I come to his party. A party that was considered his dying wish. He had cancer and it wasn’t looking good. Obviously, I went. He had a cake and balloons and a big jumping castle. I remember that he was constantly smiling and laughing, he was everybody’s darling. I spent most of the party by his side.

About a month or two later I got another request from Peter, he was in hospital and he wanted me to go stay with him. Again, I did as he asked. At this point it came at no personal cost. Shortly after his hospital stay his mother asked for help looking after him and his brothers, weekends at first that she paid me for. Then Peter got worse and things got busier, I started staying longer until I rarely left. I went almost everywhere with him, hospital, kinder, family outings and to his bucket list outings. I stayed in his room when he was home and slept in the hospital when he was there. It was the most wonderful and painful time of my life, I spent about five months watching this little boy as he both lived and died.

I regret none of it and would do it again. But those months I practically lived for that boy. My own life was not simply put on hold, the course I had been doing I gave up on shortly after he died, I had tried to keep up with it at first but looking after Peter was more important and I lost interest in it. I never went back to it and have never considered it much of a loss, a willing sacrifice. However, I failed to see that it cost me my confidence in completing things.

Anyway, the point in this story is that I didn’t hesitate to put him first and regarded him as more important than myself, I made sacrifices and lost things and opportunities without even realising it. I never even considered not doing it. This instance was not a negative one, however I have realised in the years following it that I don’t hesitate to step back and put others first, in fact I have spent the last few years trying to learn how to not do so. Putting others first is not always bad, but when you forget how to put yourself first something needs to change, you need a balance between the two. For me it took me helping Peter and then losing him to realise that I had no purpose when I wasn’t needed by someone else and that no matter how much someone needs your help, they won’t always need it. You need something to sustain yourself without relying on others and their need. And this I think is the biggest struggle for us angels, that and knowing when we need to “sorry, but I can’t help you.” Or “I need to look after myself right now”. We need to remember that we are just as important as others and sometimes it’s ok to think of ourselves as more important for a little while. We need to be selfish and that is incredibly difficult for those who instinctively put others first.

And with this I bid you fellow angels good night and wish you all the best in journeys. Hopefully you will be able speak up for yourselves before you wear yourselves out and if you are already worn out then please, ask for help. If you can’t do it for yourself then do I for someone else, whatever excuse you need to be able to ask for it, use it.

Love

A worn and battered little angel.

Don’t worry I got my bandages and I am in the process of tending my wounds. I’d tell I have spare ones if you need them but I’m gonna be selfish and keep them to myself. See, progress already, of course this is where guilt will trip me up and make take a moment to say, “If you need to talk, I’m here, at the very least I can listen.” But I came close right. I guess even if I’m starting to see that I’m no less important than others I can’t put myself first entirely. At least I have reached equal value though.

By Amy Bell