You are not your emotions...

You are not your emotions

Life lessons can arise in the most unexpected situations...

Any number of self help articles will tell you “you aren’t your emotions”.  I only began reading these articles late in life, before that it hadn’t occurred to me that that was true... that was definitely me, very sensitive hugely reactive… a worrier.

I had  never really paid to much attention to who or what I am.  Having managed to get to the age of 55 I thought that whatever it is that I am ... it’s now rusted on.  My emotions ran me... I made it my mission for the most part to strenuously avoid anything or anyone that could conceivably churn these up.  

I just had to stay…Safe, safe safe.......

It’s 4 years ago now .... but something occurred that made really and I mean REALLY look at who I was what I was doing ... probably the best thing that I got from these events was a sharper appreciation for all that I had already right in front of me.  But I had to recognise how much I had got in my own way.  I admired the controlled fortitude of another .... but although there was no doubt I could benefit from some of that control..... it would put me on a collision course with some very  jarring wake up calls..

Though very much younger  than me ...this person demonstrated a rigid determination and brushed aside sadness,  or so  it seemed by “not giving a fuck”. And again there are plenty of self help books that would advocate that that’s a great mindset to cultivate.  I wanted some of that... while still mired in my own very unhelpful patterns.  I was in that painful spot of knowing that some of the things I was thinking, doing and yes,  feeling were ridiculous or at the very least not beneficial to me or my friendships and relationships... but seemingly I was so stuck in the quicksand of my entrenched patterns... I couldn’t it seems.. stop myself. 

Does any of that sound familiar?  Anyway without going into the details.. which are looking back on it ... almost laughable.  I certainly set myself up to be judged with my actions and words misconstrued.  I lost a friend.. I chose to lose that friendship, but from the outside looking in, I hope they felt that they were choosing,  the last thing I ever wanted was to injure the feelings of this person.. . my treatment of them wasn’t the greatest...but they were the controlled one, the sensible one.. so  ...weighing everything up.. they were going to be the last casualty ever of my “feelings based” reactionary behaviour. 

If it was possible to get a degree in the machinations of ones own mind, colliding with the bullshit rules of society and a healthy dose of being over dramatic, I’d actually have a PhD by now.  I have made a huge effort over the past few years to understand and heal issues that have been brought to light by these events.  Not everything was my fault but my own patterns and beliefs caused me pain. …and others pain..And quite frankly to hell with that... I’ve got what, if I’m lucky, a small number of decades left... compared to the number that have already gone by.   I won’t rabbit on about becoming a “better” person than I’ve been in the past because I believe I am a decent person... being more mindful might be a more useful way to put it... I am what I am and I actually like a lot about what I am…but I don’t have to keep anything that’s not helping me to do my best by others.