Working From Home

When I received the news that I had been offered a position at my current place of work in October 2020, I cried for a full hour. I am a Mental Health Support Worker, specialising in the care of young people aged 16 to 25. I work in a home that provides supported living accommodation for vulnerable people who have recently left mental health treatment, or those who have spent most of their lives in the care system. The overwhelming emotions I felt when I had been told I got the job came from the realization that I was finally in a position to help kids who were in the same situation I was in over a decade ago.

Between the ages of 16 to 18, I lived in a group home for teenaged girls who, for whatever reason, were no longer able to live at home. After being made homeless at 16, and with help from my social worker, Paul, I found myself on the front steps of Madison House. I remember being surprised walking up to the house for the first time, it was not at all what I had pictured when Paul said he had “secured a bed” for me in a house for homeless girls. The place was a mansion, an actual mansion, in one of Toronto’s most beautiful historic neighbourhoods. There were 12 beds, and at any given time anywhere between 6 and 12 girls were living in the house at once. Run by a team of all-female staff, Madison House both changed and saved my life. The two years I spent there marked the first time I had ever felt a sense of home or belonging. The girls I lived with during that time became, and to this day remain, some of my best friends in the world. I was taught about independence, how to properly care for myself. I gained a sense of confidence and inner stability that I didn’t think would ever be possible for me. I know that I was very lucky with my experience. I know that kids in care are often not granted the same experience that I was, and that growing up in the system can be traumatic and harmful in so many ways. My positive experience shaped me and entirely influenced my decision to finish high school and apply to university to study Psychology.

Soon after I was hired, I went to the house to sign my paperwork and meet the young people and staff. Walking up the driveway for the first time I felt that familiar feeling I had back in 2007 walking up to Madison House. It was smaller than Madison, not as old, but it was warm and inviting, it felt like home. As I was welcomed by the other members of staff, I was struck by something unexpected. I felt like I was 16 years old again. Like I wasn’t meeting my co-workers but my carers. If I’m being honest, this moment completely rattled me. What if I was a complete fraud? How the hell could I think that I was qualified to work alongside these people when I was nothing more than a slightly older version of the kids living in this house? There was no way I was supposed to be here. They made a mistake and accidentally offered me the job, right?

I somehow managed to contain the panic I was feeling and my new manager showed me around the house. She told me about the young people currently living in the home and before I knew it, I was sitting in the office with 4 massive binders in front of me. Each containing the files and personal details of the kids I would soon be caring for. I read through each one carefully, holding back tears in some parts, stifling laughter in others as I read about the behaviours and personalities that were oh so familiar to me. The more I read, the more I relaxed. Not because I could relate to every single thing in their files, on the contrary, our experiences were all wildly different and many of them had come from places that I couldn’t begin to imagine. But I could help them, I knew I could because I deeply understood where they were right now.

In the year I have been working at the house, I have had countless “full-circle” moments. I am inspired every single day by the strength, vulnerability, humour, and love that pours from the souls of the young people I work with. My soul feels nourished every single time I get to be there for one of them. When they seek me out to confide in because of the trusting relationships we have built. Being in the position that I’m in requires setting firm professional boundaries. This means that under no circumstances would I ever disclose personal details about my upbringing to them. Even though they will never be able to know the extent to which I understand, I feel proud that I have been able to foster the relationships with them that I have, despite them not having this information to relate to or bond with me over.

When I look back on my time at Madison, what I think of first are the people. Of course, many of them are still very present in my life. The girls I lived with all those years ago are now Aunts to my son, as I am to theirs. They are still the people I turn to first for support, they are the people I can’t wait to share good news with and celebrate the accomplishments we have made over the past 14 years. The other people, although many of them I've not seen or spoken to since I moved out, are the staff. I remember their unconditional support and encouragement, how they pushed me to be better, how they taught me that having emotions and being vulnerable about my experiences and trauma were not weaknesses, how they helped me grow from the scared 16-year-old girl they met me as, to the strong woman, mother, partner, friend, and mental health support worker I am today. The women who worked at Madison were some of the first real role models I ever had in my life. The fact that I am now in a position for one of these kids to maybe remember me like that someday keeps me motivated even on the hard, emotionally draining days.

Even though it’s beyond cliché to say, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I spent so many years of my life being angry and resentful for the things that I have experienced. I had worked very hard (and did a lot of therapy) to get myself to a place where I could start letting some of that go. There have been some key moments in my life that have helped me shed the weight of my past. The first was graduating from university and being accepted to grad school. I knew that without my experiences I probably wouldn’t have studied psychology and for the first time, I started to feel thankful for my experiences for leading me to where I was. The second was becoming a mom. The second I looked at my son’s face, so much of the world fell into perspective and it became harder to have regrets knowing that every choice I had ever made and every experience I had ever had led to him being in my arms. The final thing was getting the call from my manager to offer me my job. Now, every negative thought of my past is instantly replaced with the gratitude I feel about being in the position I’m in.

If this was the reason for all of my experiences then I am thankful that I had them. The fact that I get to go to work every day knowing that I am having a positive impact on the kids that I work with means everything to me. I was lucky enough to move into Madison House when I was 16. I hope one day they feel lucky too.