Why me?

Today was particularly rough, and I can’t pretend otherwise; doesn’t it seem like every day presents its own set of challenges? As a transgender individual, I’ve faced numerous obstacles throughout my life, even before I fully embraced my identity. But today felt especially heavy on my heart. I received an urgent reminder that I need to find a job before I turn 18. The pressure is mounting as I realize that to afford my mental health medications, I need to earn at least $100 each month.

The thought of this responsibility fills me with fear. I've been reliant on these medications since I was just 12 years old, and the idea of abruptly stopping them is terrifying. On top of that, there’s the looming prospect of starting hormone therapy once I hit that milestone age, adding another layer of financial strain to my already fraught situation. My mind races with worries about how to balance all these expenses while navigating the challenges that life continually throws at me.

Amidst the constant worry about my medication, my thoughts often drift to my beloved cat. Some days, he feels like the sole reason I can keep moving forward. He is my confidant, the one being with whom I can truly share the depths of my worries and fears. Today, I find myself opening up to the entire internet about my struggles. There are months when my finances are so tight that I can barely afford cat food, leading me to prioritize his meals over my own sustenance. I often wonder if my feline companion truly understands the depth of my love for him.

I'm just over three months away from turning 18, and I feel a mix of excitement and responsibility about this upcoming milestone. As soon as I turn 18, I’m determined to start earning money to secure my living situation and ensure I can provide for my cat. Having a stable roof over my head is my top priority, along with making sure my furry friend always has fresh food in his bowl. I even dream of upgrading his food bowl to something more durable and stylish—maybe a stainless steel option that’s easier to clean. This drive to be financially independent is motivating me to explore part-time job opportunities that can help me achieve these goals.

Recently, my friends encouraged me to share my experiences online, suggesting that I might earn a little extra cash to buy cat food and possibly even a new phone. Right now, my only connection to the digital world is an old second-hand computer that my grandmother lovingly gifted me, paired with a quaint red radio that fills my space with music and memories.

I prefer not to focus on the negative aspects, but the reality is hard to ignore. If I struggle to afford cat food in this moment, how will I manage to cover the costs of medication and rent once I turn 18? The uncertainty fills me with fear. The thought of living alone terrifies me; I can't imagine leaving the comforting embrace of the hill where I've spent my entire childhood, nor do I ever want to bring children into a world that feels so daunting.

I think being married sounds appealing to some extent. Having someone to keep me company is nice, but growing up in a broken home makes me fearful of having children, and I wouldn't want to break someone's heart because of that.

I'm filled with a deep sense of anxiety at the thought that all my friends might grow up and drift away from me. As we transition from the carefree days of childhood, I find myself longing for the moments when we could play games, share laughter, and experience the simple joy of each other's company. I hold on to the hope that our bond is still strong, even if we’re no longer kids. The idea of losing them weighs heavily on my heart. I care for my friends deeply, and sometimes I find myself questioning their commitment to our friendship—if they truly didn't care about me, wouldn't they have chosen to move on by now? It’s a perplexing thought, leaving me uncertain about the future of our once playful connection.

I'm unsure of what to do, but I'm hoping someone sees this and can give me some advice, but I'll start uploading some of my fictional and real stories tomorrow.