Why I Manifest the Metaphysical as a Mama

On May 1st of this year, I became a mother.

I’ll preface this by saying, I’ve wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember; I used to carry my life-size baby doll, cloth body with plastic little appendages, all around the house with me with her blanket, wrapped swaddle-style before I even knew the word swaddle. I would voice this desire loudly and without apology to anyone, particularly adults, that would listen, and often got the same response:

“You say that now - but just you wait!”

“You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll understand when you’re older.”

And until recently, I very stubbornly shut those comments out with my very black and white thinking – if these people found parenting so hard, why did they have kids? Clearly, they had been told by their parents or other adults in their youth that they’d rue the day they were no longer child-free, and were now projecting their own resentments onto me. I knew what I wanted; I was never not going to love being a mom. I wanted it with every part of my being – even the bad, I would say. I followed the mom blogs, of course I knew the post-partum risks, I knew the sleepless nights, the screaming. But still, I said, I’ve got this.

And at first, I did – miraculously. My birth experience was wonderful, and the first few months were an absolute midsummer’s dream, waking each day with my little babe and my soon-to-be husband and discovering the beauty-filled world through her eyes.

But then the honeymoon phase of the newborn stage wore off… and people stopped texting every day, got less excited by my daily picture spams, were less thrilled to spend hours just sitting and holding her like before. Then my mental health started to slip, and I felt the stabbing of the post-partum claws starting to dig in, gripping deeper into the already agitated symptoms of my active mental health diagnoses, and I started to understand.

Just because you love your child, more than life itself, doesn’t mean you ever stop needing to love yourself equally as much.

I had stopped making time for myself; I stopped allowing even the smallest things that would feed my soul, to bring me peace and joy. I treated those emotions as a luxury; if there was time in a day where I could just be me, I spent that time berating myself internally - how dare I feel happy and relaxed with a newborn? How dare I have time to be me, while other mother’s have less support, less time, less privilege to have these things, than me? There’s too much to be done, and I have to. Do. It. All. My head was, and sometimes still is, constantly whirring, thinking of this, that, and the other thing from my past to my unforeseeable future, all the important daily to do’s were getting done but I was resenting them, and then slowly began questioning the point of it all – something I swore I would never do as a mother.

And then, one day, while scrolling on Pinterest, which I had begun using to plan my wedding, a tarot spread for an ancestry connection popped up. For some reason, that day, I saved it.

And then a few days later, I found my tarot deck.

About a year ago, my now-husband bought me the Trungles Star Spinner Tarot Deck, but before I had a chance to get to explore it, it got lost in a move, and I didn’t see it again until very recently. The same time as I rediscovered my tarot cards, was also around the time that I discovered my crystals – particularly seven of them, one I had picked out for each of my chakras, long ago, before they, too, got lost in the move. I had delved into the metaphysical world a long time ago, before pulling out of it abruptly; in hindsight, I can see that I disconnected myself as my mental health was on the decline.

What I had been learning, though, was how to utilize the natural world, such as crystals, herbs, essential oils, and their physical properties to help facilitate a healthy state of mind and overall wellbeing so that I could do the personal work necessary to heal and cope with not only my mental health diagnoses, but my daily life as well.

And so, on that very random Tuesday, I pulled out my phone, opened up the tarot spread, and returned to that world again.

I won’t go into detail about the particular reading, because that’s not what the important takeaway was from that moment of rebirth. It was the inwards shift that reading the cards forced me to accept; am I happy? What makes me happy? What makes me, me? And once I was looking at myself with such raw scrutiny, there was no going back. I immediately poured into the depths of my Pinterest, searching the witchcraft and manifesting tags (a little too intensely, if you ask my husband and daughter – thanks, ADHD) to discover different natural, metaphysical tools that were used widely among different niches for common purposes.

When asked my religious beliefs, I like to identify as a secular yet spiritual being, having a physical experience. And the more I delve into the metaphysical as my form of self-care, the more that very much rings true.

The tools I discovered and enjoyed researching, were items such as crystals, candles, herbs, flowers, tarot, and pendulums, and I enjoyed learning about them so much, that I ended up sourcing, as locally and ethically as possible, those ingredients to use. I won’t say I use the ingredients for spells or anything like that. Honestly, I still really haven’t figured out what I use them for; currently, I mix the herbs, flowers, and crystals in special bowls during my moon rituals, which I try to have a few times a month, at least with the two main phases. What I do know is, the most meditative and mindful quality of these metaphysical elements that I benefit from, is the simple act of just doing it.

It brings me joy to sit on the floor, on my meditation pillow, coloured candles lit, specially chosen oils in the diffuser misting, with my crystals, herbs, and tarot deck spread out in front of me. I like setting a time where I can just sit down, look into which moon phase is on, and then pick my elements accordingly. It gives me time to enjoy my interests, to meditate on my thoughts, my growth, my desires – to really sit with myself and know me. Who I am, aside from wife, aside from mother. As much as I love those aspects of myself, they are not the only aspects, and I am now so happy knowing that I am starting to finally, but truly, find joy within myself, for myself; the more in tune I am with myself, the more in tune I am with the universe – which in turn, allows me to be more in tune with myself.

So, what brings you closer to the universe, mama? Witchy herbs and crystals may not be your special interest, or the way you would choose to spend your time, but I’m sure you have something. I know you do.

How do you find joy, just to feel it, for yourself?

If all mamas were able to answer this question, and then made it a priority to do something for their answer, even for one minute of each day, I think we’d all become a more supportive, loving force to be reckoned with.

I want to mention now that I am fortunate enough to be in the position that I am, where I have been able to access mental health resources, such as pharmaceuticals, psychiatry, and therapy, in order to get me to the state of stability I am currently in, where I feel confident enough to utilize other methods to help maintain my inner peace and a functional, mental constancy. I also inform my practitioners of the methods I use, just to make sure nothing natural I am using is unsafe to use with the medical regiments I follow.

Solely using the metaphysical as a treatment method for mental or physical health is not recommended and not something I condone; if you feel unsafe or feel someone else may be unsafe, please seek professional medical assistance, or reach out to someone to help you walk through that journey.