Why do you always try to please others but get no favours?

I often hear people complaining that

I'm a social phobic, I'm afraid of socialising, I don't have good relationships and I'm constantly stressed out by relationship problems.

The problems in relationships are the following.

Being misunderstood

pleasing others

Feeling stifled

Being undermined and ignored

Giving without getting anything in return

How many of these problems have you encountered? Which problems have made you feel doubly hurt?

If you can figure out the reasons behind them, these troubles will cease to exist and your interpersonal relationships will improve dramatically.

In "The Psychology of Interpersonal Comfort: How to get rid of feelings of hurt in interpersonal relationships", renowned Japanese psychologist Shizo Kato suggests that to resolve dissatisfaction in interpersonal relationships, you need to discover your own fundamental desires.

In other words, in interpersonal relationships, you have to find your own needs so that you can meet them.

By first knowing what you need, and then thinking about what the other person needs, interpersonal interactions can lead to two-way satisfaction and comfortable relationships.

01 Knowing yourself is the foundation of relationships

In a sea of people, we all long to meet our soulmates.

As Liao Yimei said: In our life, it is not rare to meet love or sex, but to meet understanding.

If you feel that no one understands you, that there is no one you can trust, what is the problem?

There is a real psychological syndrome of "no one understands me".

People who feel that no one understands them often have a lot of demands, for example, they are very dependent on their friends and have a strong desire to be passive.

When others fail to meet their expectations, they complain and feel that they are not understood.

In fact, it is inherently unwise to expect others to pay for one's needs and expectations.

A husband and his wife are often at odds.

The wife does not prepare dinner in time, does not iron his shirt for the next day, does not remind him to bring his documents, etc.

All these things make the husband unhappy with his wife and the two of them get into arguments.

If you were the wife, what would you do?

Most people would probably reply, "I am not your mother or the nanny in your house, I can do these things for you or not, you have no reason to fight with me over these things."

Indeed.

The husband's request may seem reasonable, but it is not.

A wife's role is that of a partner who loves and supports each other for life, not that of a live-in nanny who does everything.

The husband needs to realise that these demands of his are in fact a refraction of his desire for motherly love.

But the wife is not her own mother, she only desires her husband's love and has no intention of providing motherly love to him.

If a husband understands his true desires, he will not ask for motherly love and care from a stranger, but will try to manage the relationship with his wife on an equal footing.

Conversely, if the wife understands her husband's needs and is willing to take care of him, the two of them can also live in harmony.

02 Don't give yourself up to please others

I once had a colleague who was a non-assertive and ingratiating posture in front of everyone.

It was clear that she didn't like a thing, but she would stiffen her head and say she did in order to suit the leader's preference.

She does not want to do something, but when faced with a request from a colleague, she only agrees to do it.

Just as she was about to leave work, a colleague from another department came over and asked her to assist with a data check; the matter was not urgent and it was fine to do it the next day. She wanted to rush home to look after her sick child, but was too embarrassed to ask, so she ended up working hard for over an hour.

What was the result of pleasing too many people?

She gets more and more tired and depressed.

In the end, no one really treats her well and she is often blamed for the situation.

The Psychology of Human Comfort states that it is enough for a normal person to get on well with 70% of the people around them.

In other words, you don't have to be nice to everyone, and you can't be nice to everyone.

Why?

Because the person who can socialise well with everyone is either hiding his true needs or the other person is hiding his true needs.

They are all in a perfunctory, pandering relationship with each other.

Over time, it's bound to get tiring and one of these relationships is bound to give up first.

By understanding this, we can be open to the idea that we don't have to please everyone and that we can just handle 70% of the relationships around us.

03 Narcissistic people who crave praise

There is a strange type of person. When dealing with them, it is important to remember not to criticise them sharply and directly, but to praise them more if you can. Otherwise he will easily feel hurt and annoyed.

This is the narcissistic type of person.

The way to tell if there is such a person around is simple, according to psychologists, and depends on whether the person is very sensitive to all criticism.

Shizo Kato also gives a portrait: people who always look depressed when they are not too young are mostly narcissists.

Narcissists want to satisfy their need for self-indulgence, they always feel that they have done something great, and they feel bad if the other person does not praise and approve of them.

When they are still in the mood of "I'm great, I deserve to show off", if we tell them, "You're okay, you're not that great", they take it as a malicious attack.

On deeper analysis, these people are just not confident.

If you want to be friends with such people, remember to always tell them: "Yes, just like you said" or "You were right".

04 Getting rid of feelings of hurt in interpersonal relationships

We all deal with other people every day.

This includes parents and relatives, loved ones and friends, classmates and colleagues, etc.

In our interactions, we either feel happy and content, or we feel painful and uncomfortable, and we even tend to receive hurt.

The reason behind this is because we do something that does not suit us.

To get rid of the feeling of hurt in interpersonal relationships, we have to find ways of living that make us happy.

In The Psychology of Interpersonal Comfort, Shizo Kato states that knowing yourself is a prerequisite for interacting with others. Knowing what your own needs are is the only way to know what the other person's needs are.

By knowing ourselves, we reinvent relationships.

Through relationships, we reacquaint ourselves with ourselves.

Relationships are very important for everyone.

We need to improve communication, see the wrong people, release our stress, take the distance between people, build a positive circle of friends and enjoy the happiness that comes from good relationships.