Why And How a Person Becomes a "Rescuer" (No, It's Not a Good Thing)

Female saviors often describe their partner as a bum or drunkard, impotent or aggressor. Sometimes all these qualities are combined in one person. With a grin and sadness in her eyes, the woman admits that she understands the absurdity of what is happening. When viewed from the outside, her behavior is completely illogical, but as if some unknown force makes her stay in a relationship. In Agnia Barto's poem about a bear with a torn paw, the girl says: “I won’t leave him anyway, because he’s good.”

“Saving” her husband, a woman behaves like a girl from a popular rhyme. But adult men are not teddy bears or bunnies, which were "abandoned by the hostess", they themselves are capable of taking responsibility for their lives.

Almost all women saviors have similar childhood stories. When, as a child, they watched quarrels, sometimes even fights between parents. And sometimes, forgetting about their own safety, they stood between their parents.

In a situation where it is scary, the child's psyche creates protection - the illusion that he can control this situation. This illusion reduces fear, but disrupts the family hierarchy, making the child stronger and "bigger" than the parent. This is how parentification occurs - a reversal of roles, when a child becomes a parent to a parent and begins to take care of him. Then, often throughout his life, a person is looking for someone who “needs to be saved”, and refuses to control his own life, controlling someone else's. This is the only way he feels "good".

One of the women says that when a drunken husband “bumped into her with his fists,” a little daughter stood between them.

The husband stopped, and the woman thought: "What a brave girl! Not like I was in childhood. I hid under the table when my father beat my mother, and she is not afraid of anything." Without noticing it herself, she supported the child's reckless desire to save the mother, perhaps even at the cost of her own life. Although, it would be natural for a small child to hide in a dangerous situation, showing an instinct for survival, self-care. The daughter of this woman receives the message: "You are good when you save others, do not think about yourself, give up your feelings." What fate will she choose when she grows up?

Many children stand between their parents, abandoning the natural fear in a situation of danger. They "turn off" fear, and gradually weaned to feel at all. Children think that they can influence the behavior of their parents, this gives a sense of power and self-worth. And this is much more pleasant than sitting under the table in fright.

One of my clients was "unlucky" as a child. The vase that her father "threw at Mom" ​​hit her in the head. This happened because the girl instantly reacted to the parental conflict and stood between her parents, saving her mother. Now headaches are her constant companions in life. She lives with a man who resembles her tyrannical father; the woman periodically catches objects flying in her direction. “I have achieved amazing dexterity in this area,” she remarks sarcastically.

“I can’t leave my husband” - a typical phrase of women “rescuers” with subsequent options for explaining their behavior: without me he will get drunk; take his own life; will get sick and die. And so on and so forth.

It turns out that a woman is responsible, not much and not less, for the life of her husband. In fact, she equates herself with a deity. Of course, it is not easy to part with such an illusion. What else can give a woman the same powerful sense of her grandeur?

So, "rescue" brings very important bonuses. There are at least three of them. First, as already mentioned, it is a sense of self-worth. Even the grandeur. Compensation for narcissistic omnipotence lost in childhood.

Secondly, the repetition of the model learned from childhood. It is always easier to repeat than to learn new things, moreover, this is how loyalty to the parental system is manifested.

And this is the third benefit of "bailout".

Against the background of the benefits, the significance of the disadvantages is ignored. For the time being, for the time being.

Changes begin when a person realizes that there are more disadvantages to the role of "rescuer" than advantages. When from "salvation" problems begin in a sphere that is significant for a person. For some, this is work, for others, health, problems with the people around them, children. Or simply the cup of patience is overflowing.

Changes begin when a woman begins to doubt the truth of the parental message: "You are good when you save others, do not think about yourself, give up your feelings."

This is a long and difficult path, because beliefs and habits have been formed over the years, they are firmly "written" in the neural connections. It is very important that on this path a woman has support in the person of her friends, relatives, and a psychologist. The more this support, the easier it is to accept new behavior into your life. On the path of change, mistakes are inevitable, because when we master something new, we tend to make mistakes. When we allow ourselves to make our mistakes, it is easier for us to accept other people's mistakes. This is how tolerance is formed. When we learn to be aware of our feelings and to express them, our sensitivity to the feelings of other people also increases. This is how empathy and emotional competence are built. These are important skills for building close relationships - choosing yourself while taking into account the interests of the people around you.

When a woman's behavior changes, options for developing a relationship with a partner appear:

If a man is interested in this woman, he will also begin to change. Their relationship can move to the next level.

Changes in a woman will not suit a man, and he will leave the relationship.

The man will begin to manipulate the woman, "pressing the usual buttons", resorting to diseases, complaints, threats. At this stage, it is difficult for a woman not to embark on the usual path of a "rescuer".

A woman comes out of a codependent relationship, parting with a partner.

A woman leaves the role of a "rescuer" when she begins to think not about someone, but about herself, in a situation of danger she chooses herself, is responsible only for herself and her life, she can say "no" to the relationship that destroys her.