Who is Maya?

I want to begin with a poem, written speedily on a subway.

Day 2 in NYC.

“Tell your story TELL ME YOUR STORY

Open UP to me

Not knowing

How much

I actually want to know

You only need tell me about your

Interests

PLEASE

Just

TELL ME

How

You like your coffee

I do not WANT those uncomfortable things

DONT let me

believe YOU are

Struggling

But please PLEASE just

Tell me your story”

I often struggle with how to portray myself, because I very often struggle with how I view myself.

Who is Maya?

I tend to revert back to my personal history in order to help me define this.

Let’s begin.

Maya was the preschooler who would ONLY wear dresses, who would eat ladybugs, who carried around a stuffed alien doll named Emily since age 2.

Maya was the elementary school kid who would NEVER wear dresses, who would save worms that had accidentally crawled onto the sidewalk after heavy rains, who wouldn’t dare to speak in class.

Maya was the 5 year old who cried when she found out meat came from animals and decided to become vegetarian...and then abandoned this cause when she found out she could no longer eat the fresh fish she caught up at the cabin.

Maya was the cross country runner, the trumpet player, the artist, the church choir singer, the self-taught ukulele player, the nature enthusiast, the part-time meditation guru, the environmental defendant. She loved aggressive 90’s alt rock, classic rock, dubstep and hip hop that audibly offended her partests, sweet, gentle indie music, a really good jazzy trumpet solo.

I suppose she still is. Or isn’t. None of those things are who I AM, they’re what I DO. They’re what I LIKE.

Is this what defines us?

Perhaps we’d have better luck another route - adjectives.

Edgy!

Caring!

Unique!

Logical!

Punk!

Organized!

Forward-thinking!

Hot-tempered!

Spiritual!

Are we efficiently confused?

Perhaps instead I should define myself based off of my struggles?

I have been battling depression since I was 13 years old. It took me two years to figure out I was even depressed. I thought I was just broken. I didn’t think I would live past age 25 until a few years ago. I didn’t realize I was queer until age 16.

Everyone has struggles. They absolutely define you. They build you. For me, they taught me how to care for others who also struggle.

So we’ve reviewed a lot of backstory. We’ve made lists, we’ve shared relatively intimate details. Have we adequately defined “Maya”? CAN we?

Let’s try.

Maya grew up in a family that taught her the importance of educating instead of criticizing, of caring for the earth, of learning about other religions and practices instead of just sticking to what previous generations have done. As such, she was pretty well versed in religious education as well as sexual health education by the time she was 15. Growing up in a musical family, with goofy, artsy grandmothers, she began her career as a creative early, attempting to sell origami pieces on the playground, starting a “slime company” in grade school, unintentionally selling a Monet recreation simply because it was on display at the studio where she took art classes.

Entering high school and college, her life became so busy with classes, sports, band, and work that she no longer had time for her creative outlets. In fact, it was only recently that she re-committed herself to her true passions.

Let’s switch point of view.

It’s been a blind journey, for years now. I’m just realizing, the more I embrace it, that I’ve been ignoring my true passions and my true self for ages. Partially suppressed by the depression I’ve battled, the self-confidence issues I’ve faced, and partially just ignored due to lack of prioritization, I’ve put everything imaginable before what truly brings me happiness. And with each step I take towards the light, the less pressure I feel on my shoulders. I cannot believe I have been stubbornly ignoring my soul’s needs for so long. And I know I’m nowhere near the place I want to be, but I’m so happy to be finally beginning this journey, and so many incredible people and loved ones along with me.