Who are we really?

What makes us to be the person we become? Is it our past? Or could it be the way the environment effects us. It could even be how we see ourselves. In any which way, it effects who we are as a person. How we associate with events in our lives. How we view ourselves and what we expect from ourselves.

I am 56 years old and I am still surprised at what I am learning and remembering from the past. I guess I am at a spot in my life where I just start looking around, after so much has happened in my life, and begin to ponder where I went wrong or why did I respond to something in that way? I am questioning my path in life and wondering what I had intended for to begin with and what am I doing here right now?

It's not like I look back at life and say, "What a crappy life I had." because it wasn't all crappy. Yes, I had some really bad times in life and made some really crappy decisions, but with bad decisions we learn what not to do next time. If you keep making those same mistakes time after time, you have to be asking yourself, where have I gone wrong and how do I fix this mess? Get myself off this marry-go-round. It's time to start evaluating where I am and how do I get to where I want to be. What do I want to be doing or feeling in my future? What am I missing now? Do I keep what I have and just improve on that? Yes.

Where I am right now is not a bad place to be at all. As I see it things could be a lot worse. There is just a time in life when I feel like it's time to clean up my messes and fix what needs to be fixed before I die never finding my true self. I want to find my strength and what makes me the happiest. When you are going on 56 years old, you begin to ponder what the rest of life is going to embrace. I tend to look at my life now and what I need to do to find my true happiness. I may never find it, maybe it's a dream, but I sure want to give it a try.

This is where I begin to think and wonder how I go about making this easier and more satisfying to my life. The life that I want to settle into and be happy for the rest of my life. You try so hard to make things good around you, but everything outside has changed so much and how and why it happened so many years ago is obsolete to how you would go about fixing it this stage of your life. But it has to be fixed or nothing will ever be right in life. You will never find that happiness that you have been hoping for.

Am I dreaming that there just might be a life out there that can actually make me happy? It seems like so much of the time I am angry or sad in life. I wonder why I feel this way. So, I begin looking around me and wondering how I got here and how can I fix this situation. Is it right here in front of me and I am just not seeing it? How can I find out what makes me happiest in life.?

Baby steps. I realize that everything is built on an idea. You can't just jump in life and poof it's there and changed. A good life is built wisely. Life has really been good to me. I have been spoiled in life. My husband dotes on me hand and foot. I couldn't ask for a more attentive husband to live life with. This is where I begin to look back at the past and wonder, is this where I went wrong?

When I started seeing my husband, he was devoted to another who was married, that was his life. I found him a strong man. He was devoted and hated hurting people. He was kindhearted but so kindhearted that he would get lost trying to please others. Today, 39 years later, he is a good friend who has been through my hurts in life where people have pushed me down in the past. I had to carry that hurt and he was there and watched it happen. He went through so much for me in life. But he's given up on life now. And I am feeling alone and trying to decide how I am supposed to live this life on my own. He does his best and he has always done his best, but now I am feeling like he has just given up.

We are old now. In my life I am eleven years younger than my husband. He is slowing down, becoming less motivated, he is becoming more scatter brained than he was in the past. It's like the life is draining out of him and me. He sits in his chair and plays on his computer and researches a lot of different things. He has become less active and wants to just sit and do nothing. His subjects on the computer run from fix-it to dirt sports, which is understandable knowing that he was a moto-cross rider and pretty good at what he did. He was exciting. He showed me things and took me places I would never have dreamed of otherwise. Or at least at that time in my life.

So, I guess what I am saying is, "Is it our life events that create the person who we are today?" If we don't like what we see in the mirror, how do we go about fixing it. And DO we want to really fix it or leave it as it is? It's all up to you as a person with the ability to choose your own path, to look around and see where you are and what needs to be done to get where you need to be.

One of the ways I intend to begin making changes in my life, is to start looking around me to see where it is that I need to move. I am going to start looking at my life as if it was the first day and how am I going to play out my new life. Things in life have changed with age. A new vision for the future must be made and the limitations we have at the later age in life. Then you have to ask yourself, "Is there a limitation with age?".

Which to me means that I have to know that I did the best I could today and tomorrow I will be even better. Every little idea that goes into my head, I will not pass up taking a look at and saying to myself, "is it worth it?". Is this a path that I feel really comfortable doing and will the end result give me that feeling that I am striving so hard to achieve? Will it give me the satisfaction I can live with at night before I put my head on my pillow, will my head sleep peaceful tonight. Will I have done my best today and where I failed, did I fix it so I can move onto my next day feeling ready to take on my life.

I used to dance in life. I loved to dance. And now I look and have felt for so long like something I shouldn't be. I got lost along the way. How did I forget how to dance when I was in love with dancing? I started to think and feel like I was too old to be doing such stuff. Old people don't do those kinds of things. Who says? Why am I thinking this way?

I feel like my eyes are finally opening. I don't know why at this time it finally decided to happen. Certain events have changed me in my life. I have a grandson now that I have met twice after a year of absence. He is a year and about a month old now. I don't even know when he was born. But in just those two days of seeing my grandson, it has changed my thinking. My daughter, for some reason, wants me in her life again, but only me, not my husband. So how do I live my life with that. How come I can't share that part with my husband? I don't know how this is going to work out, but I want to be the best that I can be and sometimes it means being a lot tougher. I want to find this life that I can sit back at night and say, "I did it, I did the best I could." and be happy with that.. find what makes me happy and go with it.

Getting enough rest so that I can think and function better the next day is my top priority. I am going to do my best to make sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep and if I am tired during the day, it's okay to stop and relax a minute. It's okay to sit back and look around to focus on what is next in life and how will I handle this situation better and healthier for me. I feel like it's important to be the smartest I have ever been and take things in stride but in a way that doesn't produce anxiety for me.

So, I will be working towards a healthier me. My lifestyle has really been misused for so long, I think I forgot how it used to feel when it felt happy and healthy. I start to think about how I was so good at certain things in my life and certain things I was so happy doing and the way I felt was so free. I want that again. There are things I have learned to love today and things that I used to love when I was younger. Why can't I take both and combine them for a better future for me. It's me that I have to worry about. Don't leave me behind to please others. I am striving for a feeling of completeness. I don't care how old I am or how people's views are on the older people. But I want to live life again. I want to be a part of something that makes me happy, carefree, successful, and proud of when I leave this world, I want to feel like I have lived. Right now I feel lost. Like, where did I go? Who am I now? How do I find me?

Well, I intend to find out. I will find me again and begin again in a life I have built for so long but combining it all and living life to my fullest. I know that life is going to throw me some wallops again, and that is okay because it is inevitable, but I want to be smarter in how to take that front on and work through it the best I can to create a life I can feel happy in. Even if that means that I have to learn to dance again that is fine with me. If that is who I am supposed to be and I am happiest, then I am doing it. People will just have to let me be me.

Look out world, here I come.